A Triangle for Two

jan1: false maria1: false jan2: false maria2: false -- [align center] *I'm a complicated pair of people.* *It's a strange thing to say about oneself (twoself?), but it's true. Ever since I could remember (which isn't all that far away; my memory is rather terrible), there were the two of us in one body, leading our two [[half-lives]], playing one person. It's more difficult on the inside than on the outside. Truth be told, people can rarely tell the person they spoke to in the morning wasn't the same person they spoke to in the evening, as long as the face is the same.* *It causes all sorts of problems if [[someone can tell]].*

[align right] *Maria's dress, vintage silk, lays in the closet. It can never be worn outside because "men" can't wear that where we live. She's not a man but it's something we'd never be able to explain.* *I'm there as she twirls in the living room. The curtains are drawn. She doesn't want to look through the windows because she knows she'd start thinking about what it would feel like to have the wind play with those billowing sleeves.* [align center] [[***|Untitled Passage]] [align left] *Jan's face stays cleanly shaven. If it wasn't for me, he'd sport a permanent nonchalant stubble, the same kind his father is often seen with.* *He looks in the mirror sometimes when he thinks I'm not awake yet and drags his fingertips along his jawline, feeling the prickly hair, trying to be brave about the fact that his body will never be entirely his. I told him he doesn't have to put my comfort over his, but still, for me, he takes the razor.*

It's been a while since [[Anna]] left. The nationwide alert warned the entirety of the Masovian voivodeship against going outside ("Beware of strong winds, rainfall, and hail storms", it said), but she was somewhere out there, walking along the endless road between the endless fields as the clouds gather in the sky above. How do you process learning that your only friend is... more than one person? Is it "friends", then? Did they both like her? How does this work? She could always ask, but how could she even tell which questions are too invasive? It could be better to just take it and see how it works in practice. That seemed like a solid move. She stepped over a thin forked crack in the asphalt as the thunder rumbled somewhere in the distance. She shouldn't have left the house but it felt better than staying inside, stunned and silent. Now, as the first drops of rain hit her head, she was no longer sure if it was such a good idea. There was still a long way home and she'd never be able to outrun a storm. Behind her, [[a familiar car]] whizzed past the corn fields.

[align center] {reveal link: '*For the teachers back at out school, when we still went there:*', text: '*Anna Teodora Kestrel, flawless student, top of her class.*'} {reveal link: '*For our old classmates:*', text: '*Anka, the scary one. Don\'t ever come close.*'} {reveal link: '*For gossipy old ladies in this town:*', text: '*Kestrel\'s daughter- yes, that Kestrel, from the council. Good girl, just a little strange.*'} {reveal link: '*For us:*', text: '*The only friend we\'ve ever had.*'} *Guess [[we all contain multitudes|someone can tell]].*

[align right] *I only wanted our car to be red, just because it's a reference to a game I played a long time ago. Maria insisted that this can't be the only requirement and even said that insurance is more expensive for a red car but it's all a myth. I like red so it's red, that's all. She's the driver so it was up to her to take care of the practical stuff.* [align center] [[***|on the road]] [align left] *Small enough to never experience trouble while parking, big enough to pack some groceries from our trips to the town. There's space for only two people because we never needed more. I often imagine Jan in the passenger seat, looking out of the window, and get startled when I see his face in the rear view mirror.*

The car stopped right next to Anna. The windows rolled down to show Jan's face... but was it Jan looking at her? "You don't want to talk. That's fair", he said. *He* said? Or was it someone else? Was there something different in 'his' voice, or was it all just in her head? "But it's irresponsible to walk in a storm. If you want to go home..." He- *they* (Anna didn't want to assume, so it was, in her logic, more polite to think about 'them', plural) awkwardly patted the passenger seat. "...you can [[hop in]]."

It wasn't entirely silent. There was the rumble of the thunder, the murmur of the engine, the terrible jokes of radio show hosts, briefly interrupted by occasional white noise. Not a word was said, though. 'Jan' was focused entirely on the road, gripping the steering wheel like it might slip out of their hands and fly away. Their body was stiff, their moves mechanical. Anna stared at the landscape outside: yellow, grey, green, grey, brief splash of blue, grey. Roadside chapels with their colourful ribbons fluttering in the growing wind, small houses for large families, farming machines, all became smears behind the window. "Sorry. I shouldn't have left," Anna said, not looking at 'Jan'. [["Can we meet tomorrow?"]]

No answer. Were they [[talking to each other]]? Negotiating? Anna glanced in their direction. The hands on the steering wheel relaxed. "Where?" "My place? Can't run from my own home, right?" Anna forced a smile. It wasn't funny in the slightest, but she felt the need to at least attempt to lighten the atmosphere. "Fine. Tomorrow, in the evening. [[Is that okay?]]" Their tone was perfectly flat but there was a tiny hint of a smile on their face. Did they cheeks get a little redder, or was it just a trick of light? [["More than okay."|Anna house 1]]

[align right] *I told you. She left because she was overwhelmed.* [align left] *I don't trust any of this at all.* [align right] *Why?* [align left] *I don't know. I just don't. I have a bad feeling about all of this.* [align right] *Maryśka, you have nothing but bad feelings.* [align left] *They're usually- are you trying to let go of the steering wheel?!* [align right] *I'm relaxing our hands so we won't have to deal with cramps later.* *Listen, if Anna thought of us badly now, she wouldn't want to hang out with us anymore.* [align left] *I don't know. I don't know, I'm sorry, I'm scared.* [align right] *Yeah, I can feel it. I can go and handle that. You don't have to. Alright?* [align left] *[[Fine.|"Can we meet tomorrow?"]]*

[align left] *God, [[I have to drive you there...|"Can we meet tomorrow?"]]* [align right] *Would you rather have me drive?* [align left] *No, thank you, I'd rather* ***stay alive***. [align right] *Thought so.* [align left] *Remember that I need to drive you back home. Don't drink or do anything stupid.* [align right] *I won't. I love you.* [align left] *I love you too. Unfortunately.*

*** The clouds were still there on the next day. They swirled above the neat rows of identical tiled roofs on Liliowa Street, which looked exactly like Makowa Street in front of it and Piwoniowa Street behind it. Rectangular houses were squeezed together, as if they were built afraid of some unspoken danger, and stretched upwards to comfortably accommodate the average family living in Borowice-Kolonia: mother, father, two children, and whatever extended family member needed to live with them. "God, I fucking hate this place," Maria gritted her teeth, steering the car into yet another narrow street. "Everything looks the- Wiśniowa?! But we just passed Magnoliowa!" Jan laughed. "What's so funny to you?" [align right] *The absurd of it all. How many identical houses on identical streets named after plants can there be? It's like we're in backrooms.* [align left] "I'm gonna put *you* in the backrooms if you don't tell me what's her house number." [align right] *You can just find it in our memory?* [align left] "I know, but I want to hear it from you." [align right] *Okay. [[5b|Anna house 2]].*

Kestrels tried very hard to make their house seem larger inside than it really was. They employed all of the visual tricks: plenty of light, neutral wall tones and ceilings painted in a slightly lighter shade. All of that to thwart their own efforts by plastering the walls with family pictures and portraits of saints, many of which Jan couldn't even recognise. "Again, sorry for what happened yesterday." "It's alright. I get it." Anna turned on the coffee machine; Jan flinched as it made a bunch of concerning tinny noises. "I read about, uh, situations like yours [[on the internet]]," she continued while reaching for the cups, entirely unbothered by the mechanical wheezing. "I saw all sorts of perspectives: psychiatric, theological-" "I thought theology would just say we're possessed." Jan raised his voice so he could be heard over the hiss of steam coming out of the machine. "Oh, God, no, that's a very ignorant approach. We can do better now. What I mean to say, none of those perspectives is [[yours|Anna house 3]]."

[align left] *Great, she invited you to tell you I'm fake, or a demon, or something like that.* [align right] *She didn't say any of this.* [align left] *Yet.* [align right] *How can you be so sure?* [align left] *I just know.* [align right] *[[Let's hear her out first|Anna house 2]].*

"You said 'yours', as in- you mean us both?" Jan knew exactly what she meant. Polish 'you's are quite clear about being singular or plural. He had to ask to make sure he didn't hear it wrong. "If the other one is willing to talk to me, of course. I understand that you're different, so that other person [[might not even like me]], that'd be completely fair..." Then, Anna suddenly teleported from the coffee machine to the sit by the table. That cup of coffee in front of Jan, when did it get there? He tried to recall what happened between the last things his friend said and now, but it all slipped away from him entirely. Nothing new; small chunks of time were going missing from his memory so often that he wasn't even concerned about it anymore. The most important thing was to shake it off and keep on going. "...the time we have left before we both- we *all* leave for uni again. What do you think?" "Sorry, can you repeat that?" "I said: we should spend more time together before we go our separate ways again, but this time, I don't want any of you to pretend to be someone you're not." Jan felt familiar pressure in the middle of his forehead, like someone pressed a thumb against it for far too long and then let go, leaving a phantom sensation behind. He knew what it meant. In the simplest of terms: [[Maria wasn't having the greatest time|Maria interlude 1]].

[align left] *Don't talk to her. Don't talk to her. Don't talk to her anymore, don't talk to her, don't talk to her don't talk to her don't‒* [align right] *It's okay!* [align left] *‒and we'll get hurt again and it will hurt again tell her you were kidding tell her it's all a joke or let me take over let me‒* [align right] *We're in a safe space with a safe person.* [align left] *-they're all safe until they're not.* [align right] *You don't have to trust her right away, but could you at least try? For me?* [align left] *...I'll try. But the moment something goes wrong, we're out.* [align right] [[*Thank you.*|Anna house 3]]

[align right] *I'd get so anxious my head would start hurting and then, it'd suddenly be an hour later, and I'd be far away from whatever made me feel that way. Chalked it all up to stress. It was always Maria making sure I don't suffer.* *Our life is better now, but Maria is still on the lookout for danger. She tries to relax sometimes. It's not going well.* [align center] [[***|Chaber house 1]] [align left] *He's too naïve. Too trusting. Too soft. He had nobody, except for me. It's my purpose, my duty, to take care of him.* *If I don't protect him, who will?* *...and if someone else protects him, what happens to me?*

*** *I don't want this. I don't want any of this.* Their house was as quiet as always, filled only with the ambient noise of electrical devices buzzing softly in the background. The only light source was a small LED lamp on the kitchen counter. It was enough. "I know. That's why I didn't promise anything on your behalf." Jan sighed. 'His' hands, now controlled by Maria, were washing the dishes in the sink, so he could only stand there and watch. *You should've said you were-* "Kidding, I know. Should've lied and said that a whole part of my life doesn't exist. Should've lied that *you* don't exist." *Yes, that's what you should've done.* Jan blinked the tears away. He wasn't sure who they belonged to. The body is indiscriminate; if there's a signal to cry, it will do just that. "I want to have at least one person to whom I can talk without being forced to take you out of every story I tell." The last dish got put on the drying rack with a little more force than necessary, clanking against a glass. Emotions were always hard to contain, bleeding from one person to another until it was near impossible to tell who they originally belonged to. Who was crying? Who was in control of the arms, wrapped so tightly around their torso now, and who was this meant to comfort? Physical gestures can be such an awkward thing when you can simultaneously experience holding with and being held by the same body. [[*I'll try to not be too much of a problem.*|Vignette1]]

*** There weren't many places to meet at in Borowice-Kolonia. There was the football pitch which didn't provide much outside of short yellowed grass and a row of filthy bleachers. Somewhere to the side, there was the park, rows and rows of oaks and chestnuts planted above winding gravel paths. The last place, the playground, was the park's enclave, rendered tiny in the comparison with the tall trees nearby. In the summer, it always smelled faintly of hot plastic and chemicals used to treat the wood from which some appliances were made. When Anna arrived, someone was already sitting on one of the creaking swings. >[[Head down. Avoiding eye contact.|Vignette1Maria]] >[[Looking around. Clearly waiting for her.|Vignette1Jan]]

maria1: true -- "Sorry for assuming," Anna lowered her voice, "but you're *not* Jan, are you?" "No. Name's Maria." She still stared at the ground beneath her. "Nice to meet you." [["Is it?"|Vignette1Mdigress]] "Of course." Anna sat down on the second swing next to the first one. "Do you want to talk or just sit there?" "In silence?" Maria raised her head. "That's an option?" "If you want." "No. Yes. I don't know." So silence it was. They sat there, looking at everything except for each other. Sparrows chirped over the distant noises of someone's lawnmower, the swings creaked whenever someone moved even a tiny bit, and occasionally, Maria sighed with frustration. It was all so awkward. She expected invasive questions she could get mad at, or some kind of proof that Anna wasn't as good as Jan thought her to be, but all she got was a painfully normal, if quiet, hangout. "I don't understand you," she said, "and I don't like it. You're too... calm about our situation. That's not how people react." "What do you want me to do? Attempt to exorcise you out of this body?" Anna scoffed. "I know one God in three persons, I don't think 'two people in one body' is outside of my comprehension." "But you still left after Jan told you, without a word, without making sure he's alright after he opened up- [[You won't ever understand what this kind of thing feels like|Vignette1Ma]]."

jan1: true -- "Hi. Hope the wait wasn't too long." Anna sat down on the other swing. It's been a long while since she last did that. "No, don't worry." Jan gave her a big smile. "It's gonna rain later, by the way. I can feel it in my bones." "Thank God. Maybe it'll finally get colder." The chains creaked as Jan pushed his feet against the ground. Anna did the same, trying to perfectly sync their movements. Conversation is a lot more awkward when you can't face each other. "Remember when we were in the kindergarten and we'd have recess here when it was warm enough outside?" "Not really, no. Sorry, [[I barely remember anything|Vignette1Jdigress]] from before... the middle school?" "I wish I didn't remember any of that." Anna sighed. "Sorry, that's probably a very insensitive thing to say." "Kinda, yeah." "But you remember how we met?" The swings went back and forth, faster and faster. All of the creaking stopped, or maybe dissolved entirely in the background, somewhere between the relentless chirping of sparrows and a particularly loud lawnmower. Jan couldn't tell if he couldn't breathe because of how hot and thick the air got, or if there was a different reason he'd rather not think about. "No." [["Do you want me to remind you?"|Vignette1Ja]]

[align right] *Hey, do* ***you*** *remember any of this?* [align left] *Some things. Important ones. Classes and such.* [align right] *That's all?* [align left] *No. The rest simply isn't worth mentioning.* [align right] *Really-* [align left] *[[Pay attention to the what she's saying|Vignette1Jan]], won't you?*

*** The bleachers were mostly broken, with only some select sun-bleached seats remaining. Grafitti on their backs proclaimed undying love of pairs which broke up before their first week together was over. "It was in May, I think?" Anna traced the edge of one of the seats with her finger. "Unusually hot for the time. Our school team was playing against someone else. You lost your classmates and sat next to me." "And?" "You told me I'm scary, then didn't say a word to me for the rest of the day. I was actually impressed someone would say it to my face." "That tracks." Jan laughed. "One thing I remember is that you made me feel *so* uneasy." She still did sometimes, when she got too close or looked at him for a little too long. He wasn't sure if it was Maria's hypervigilance seeping into him, or his own feeling that he couldn't properly name. He wondered for a moment, looking at Anna as she read yet another inscription made in faded permanent marker left on the seats. Before he could think about it too hard, a drop of cold water hit the tip of his nose. "As you predicted," Anna flinched, "the rain." "You want me to walk you back home?" "Didn't you come by car?" "Yeah, but- *I* can't drive," Jan scratched his head, like always when he was nervous, "and [[a little walk in the rain won't kill me|Vignette1Jadigress]]." *** Somewhere midway to Anna's house, all of the clouds split open and did, in fact, try to kill them both, pelting them with raindrops at unimaginable speeds and rendering the streets as slippery as possible. Anna took Jan's hand without asking and ran, guiding him between the rows and rows of identical houses, less by sight and more by feeling which dictated her where to go. "Hey!" Jan yelled. "You know I can-" "I can't hear you!" She could hear him perfectly well. He could let go of her hand but he didn't. They stopped running only under the tiny roof above the door to Anna's house where the rain couldn't reach them. "Now we go in, dry off, and wait for it to stop so you can get back to your car safely." "You're kidding." "No. I don't want you to get sick because of me." The door opened; Anna shoved Jan inside like she was scared he would run away. Then, she locked the door just to make sure. "[[I'll get you something dry to wear.|Interlude1J]]"

[align left] *That was rude, wasn't it?* [align right] *Quite a bit, yeah.* [align left] *Fuck. I think you should-* [align right] *No. You said you'll try to talk to her.* [align left] *I know, but-* [align right] *Then [[stop talking to me|Vignette1Maria]] and focus.*

"You're right," Anna nodded, "I can't even imagine what that must be like." She pushed herself off of the ground, though she made sure to not do it too fast. "I don't know why I ran away," she continued, "I don't know, it's not in my nature to run like this. Maybe I was hurt because I thought he always told me about everything in his life, and then there was this whole revelation that you exist. Maybe I was mad at myself that I haven't made him feel safe enough to talk about it before." "He always felt safe with you. I didn't." "Do I creep you out? People say that all the time." "It's not that." "Then what?" Maria couldn't tell. Her job was to deal with uncomfortable things as they happened, not to examine them. She took a good look at Anna; [[the discomfort only grew stronger|Vignette1Madigress]]. It wasn't tinged with fear, like it usually tended to be, and it wasn't a form of disgust, either. Envy? This had to be it. This girl didn't know how good she had it: a body of her own, a life of her own. She could do whatever she wanted, no compromises. "Forget it. I'm... sorry. I don't know how any of this... people stuff works." "Because you don't have practice. If you talked to others more- I understand why you usually don't, but if you'd want to talk more... I'm here." Clear invitation. Maria didn't know if she wanted to take it. Anna dug her heels into the ground below her, stopping the swing entirely. "Did you feel that?" A raindrop hit Maria's nose before she could ask. "Jan said this could happen. Come with me, I'll get you back home." "Oh, no, I can-" "I won't be able to forgive myself if you get caught in the rain and get sick. Come on." *** The raindrops kept relentlessly hitting the windshield, and even with the wipers working overtime to provide some hint of visibility, most of the world on the outside was reduced to a grey blur. Still, Anna gave directions, guided more by her knowledge of the place than sight. "I swear, I hate this place." Maria stopped the car right by the entrance to Kestrels' house. "Here you go." "You could come in-" "Not today. Another day, maybe. When it stops feeling weird." The engine kept roaring. "Can't wait for that. So, thanks." Anna smiled. [["See you soon."|Interlude1M]]

[align left] *It won't kill you. I will.* [align right] *Come on, it's not that bad.* [align left] *If you get sick, I'm not taking care of you.* [align right] *We literally have the same body.* [align left] *I hate you.* [align right] *You don't mean it~* [align left] [[*...I don't.|Vignette1Ja]]*

*** "Maybe she's not that bad. At least she's more responsible than you are." [align right] *Come on...* [align left] Maria carefully folded the shirt Jan received from Anna — red flanel, nothing special. Definitely more feminine, but it didn't matter all that much when both bodies were that similar in size in near every aspect. "And I *am* mad at you, in case you forgot." [align right] *Yeah. I can feel it.* [align left] "[[We're going to call her tomorrow|Vignette2]] and apologise for all this trouble. God, I hope she won't be sick after all of this." [align right] *Marysia-* [align left] "Don't you Marysia me now. You should've let me drive you there." [align right] *Yeah, that's true. I just wanted to have a moment with her. Talk a while longer.* [align left] Sudden wave of discomfort. Jan felt it, though he knew it wasn't his. [align right] *Do you want to talk about-* [align left] "I'm not jealous of her." Clear lie, they both knew it. [align right] *I never said-* [align left] "I think we shouldn't talk about it now. It'll keep us awake for too long and lack of sleep isn't very conducive to fighting off a potential cold." [align right] *I know it served you in the past, but I think it might be bad for you to keep suppressing your feelings. You can't keep doing this forever.* [align left] "Well," Maria clenched her fist, but Jan unclenched it immediately, "I can try."

*** "You’re thinking about her." *No talking out loud in bed after we turn the lights off. Did you forget?* "Oh, come on, Marysia, we’re home alone, nobody cares." *I care.* "Or you just want an excuse to not talk about Anna." *She's not terrible. I might even be able to talk to her. Is that enough?* "How about we address the-" *How about we go to sleep?* "I just want to know how you feel about her. That was the first time you talked to her alone and she's a friend to me, and I love you both a lot, so I want you to get along." Maria didn't respond for a long while. All sorts of unnamed mixed feelings started seeping through the barrier between her and Jan, and it was probably the best she could do without actually naming what she felt. She didn't even know if it had a name; "envy" or "jealousy" didn't entirely convey it. "Oh." He didn't say more; he only took her (right) hand into his (left). They held hands all the time. Not like anyone could tell what that really meant. [[*Can we call her tomorrow?*|Vignette2]] "Do you want to?" *If we all want to be friends, then we should probably stay in contact.* "Can't argue with that."

[align right] *...a crush?* [align left] *Jan!* [align right] *What? Sometimes it really feels like this!* [align left] *Are you suggesting I don't think you're enough?* [align right] *Never said that. I wouldn't even be mad, I mean, just look-* [align left] *[[No, I don't think I will.|Vignette1Ma]]*

*** Anna rarely used her phone. She updated her social media once a year, around the New Year's, when she went skiing with her family, and the torrent of posts, reels, shorts, and tiktoks of all kind never caught her. Nobody (outside of Jan, of course) texted her in the summer; during the academic year, she mostly received text messages begging her to share her notes. Calls were far and few between, and when they came, they were usually automatic spam calls, or her parents asking her to do something. Jan didn't like talking over the phone. Said it makes him anxious. But on that day, his name appeared on the screen as the default ringtone tore through the silence. Would he call her if he didn't absolutely have to? Or maybe it was Maria? Maybe she didn't have such issues with a conversation like this. The only way to find out was to pick up. "Hello?" >[["Hello. Maria speaking."|Vignette2M]] >[["Hi, uh, Jan here."|Vignette2J]]

maria2: true -- [if maria1] "Just wanted to- you said you're here if I want to talk. So I wanted to talk." "I thought you might be the one calling. How are you? Everything alright?" "I guess." Maria sighed, making sure to not do so into the phone. "I have to admit, I don't know how to have casual phone calls. Usually there's doctors, or local administration, or something similar on the other side. I don't even know where to go from here with you." "The weather? That's a classic for a reason. It's been raining this whole week, what do you think?" "All of it makes Jan-" "I know what it does to Jan. I'm asking about [[you|Vignette2Ma]]." [if jan1] "I just wanted to make sure if you're alright after yesterday, and I wanted to apologise in case you're not." "Oh, no, I'm fine." She was lying — her voice was a little hoarse. "Are *you* alright? I dragged Jan through all this rain, it's my fault if he- well, if you are sick." "We're not." Just a moment of awkward, awkward silence. "Your shirt's in the laundry. We'll return it as soon as possible." "I thought about it. You can keep it if you want, it fits you, at least physically. I don't know what *you* like to wear." "What *I* like to wear?" "You probably have your own sense of style, [[don't you?|Vignette2Ma]]"

jan2: true -- [if maria1] "I got jealous since you were hanging out with Maria without me, so I have to check in to make sure she's not replacing me as your best friend." He laughed. "No, in all seriousness, thanks." "For what?" "For treating her like a person." "As opposed to what? That's bare minimum." She sighed. "Thank me for breathing or blinking while we're at it." "Actually, yeah. Thanks for breathing, [[it's great that you're alive|Vignette2Ja]]." [if jan1] "Had to call to check if you're not sick. You know, after we got caught in the rain yesterday. It was kinda fun, but I don't think I'm allowed to say that." He laughed. "Just a bit under the weather, predictably, but I'll recover." Anna paused. "And it *was* fun." She added quietly. Jan could almost imagine her smiling. "I'll give you your shirt back next time we meet." "Don't worry about it. You can keep it if you want, it looks better on you." "So, I can wear it the next time we meet and you won't be mad?" [["I'd love to see it, actually."|Vignette2Ja]]

Maria didn't have an answer to that. She never thought about herself too deeply. What were her preferences? What did she like? Peace and quiet, of course, but who doesn't like that? There had to be more. Driving, that's for sure. The dress she had hidden in the closet. Household tasks, basic maintenance, cleaning, organising, cooking, but not baking; too many unpredictable variables there. Watching the birds, but only in the winter, when the tits came back, especially blue tits. What else? Was there anything else that was just hers? "Hello? Are you still there?" The clock on the wall showed that at least three minutes have passed. Not a lot of time in the large perspective, but a whole eternity if you're waiting for an answer on the other side of the phone. "I don't know," Maria replied automatically, "I mean, I know I'm here. I'm not sure what to say, that's all." "That's alright. I don't think I have *myself* figured out, and there's just one of me in here." Anna yawned. "Oh God, I'm sorry. I didn't sleep well last night, must've been the full moon..." "You believe that the full moon keeps people awake?" "If it shines right into their room, yes." Another yawn. "Sorry, it always comes in twos. Luck comes in pairs." Another. "Or threes, the English think the best things come in threes... do you think twos or threes are luckier?" "I think you should get a blackout curtain and a good night of sleep." Maria wasn't sure if her voice was a little softer here, or if it was some sort of an auditory hallucination. "I'll go to sleep, I just need you to answer first." "I don't think it matters. As you recently learned, a two also be a three." Was that the wrong answer? What answer did she even expect? "I didn't even consider that. Thank you. [[Have a good night.|Interlude3M]]"

Silence on both sides on the phone. Jan wasn't entirely sure why. Was there a line crossed? He could feel the heat slowly blooming on his cheeks and the tips of his ears. What was said, anyway, and who said it? Was it important? It had to be if it made him all red, but there was now a blank space instead of the memory of what happened just a while ago. Maria was already asleep by that point in time, so he couldn't even ask her about what could be in the gap. "Your mind went blank, didn't it?" Anna asked. Her tone was entirely unreadable. "How did you-" "Telepathy. Just kidding, pattern recognition. If you go quiet, that means you're probably not... entirely there." "When did you figure it out?" "Back in middle school, when we were preparing for the competition... you know which one." Anna yawned. "I'm sorry, I didn't sleep well at all." "Because of the full moon, I know, it shines into your room and-" Jan yawned as well. "Great, you infected me. Now we're both going to be sleepy, good job, Anka." "It's a part of my master plan to force us both- us all to get enough rest. I'm glad it's working." "But I already get-" "Shh. [[Have a good night.|Interlude3J]]"

*I don't dream too often, but when I do, it follows the same scheme.* *I'm in a crowd in a large city. There's one thing that I know, and it's that I'm coming home, but I can never remember where home is. I stop in the middle of the sidewalk and realise that I am entirely alone. It isn't some metaphorical thing about how you can feel alone with so many people around you. I just feel like I suddenly became empty, but I can't understand why, until it hits me right there, in front of everyone.* *Jan isn't with me.* *It's just this body, all for me, and all of my thoughts with no answers to them, and a house, and the city, and everything I could've ever wanted without having to come up with a common route for us both to follow.* *But he's not with me, so none of this feels right, and when I [[wake up|Vignette3]], I wonder what I'd do if, one day, he wouldn't talk back to me.*

[align right] *I dream all of the time, I just keep forgetting what my dreams are about. Most of what I can remember is total nonsense. Last night, I dreamed that I was a fish in the sea and I was just swimming around while trying to avoid the fishing hook with a gummy worm on it. Not very deep. Kinda funny, actually.* *Sometimes I dream about Maria. It's kind of weird because she never looks the same, but she's wearing her dress, so I always recognise her. She's there in her own separate body, in our house, doing... something. I think she was reading last time. I hug her in every single one of those dreams and it always feels so natural, like things were always meant to be this way.* *Right after I [[woke up|Vignette3]] one day, I asked her if she knows if it's possible to dream together. She said she doesn't know, but she hoped it could be the case.*

*** The winds and storms ceased for just a moment. The next heatwave wouldn't come for the next couple of days. It created a narrow window of time in which the weather was surprisingly bearable. {cycling link, choices: ['Jan', 'Maria']} couldn't remember how {cycling link, choices: ['he', 'she']} found {cycling link, choices: ['him', 'her']}self on one of the endless roads, walking next to Anna. She was talking, but what was she talking about? That was someone's name, does {cycling link, choices: ['he', 'she']} know them, should {cycling link, choices: ['he', 'she']} know them? What was the name again? It was hard to focus on anything. The sky felt fake. The cracked asphalt they walked on didn't seem hard enough. The sky felt fake, it shouldn't be this shade of blue. That body walked, but who was commanding it to walk? Did it need to be commanded? Was it walking or floating? It *felt* like floating, like not touching anything in the world at all. No, the sky wasn't fake, but that colour, something was unreal about this colour. Something was unreal about the fields around them, nothing should ever be this vast. The sky was real, the colour was fake. Something was unreal about Anna. The sky- does the sky even matter? Something was unreal. The body kept walking, self-piloting, with {cycling link, choices: ['Jan', 'Maria']} as the unwilling passenger. Was {cycling link, choices: ['Jan', 'Maria']} real? What did any of that even mean? It was a dream. It had to be a dream. Anna looked {cycling link, choices: ['him', 'her']} directly in the eye and asked a question. *What* [align right] *was* [align center] *the question?* [align left] Was *language* real? It didn't feel like it in that moment. Another question came, just as incomprehensible as the first. "I don't know," the body answered, "I don't know, I'm sorry." Whose voice was that? "That's ■■■■." No focus. No way to tell what that last word was. "Do you ■■■■ to ■■■■ ■■ ■■■■? It might ■■■■." The words weren't clear enough but the gesture — Anna's fingers briefly brushing against the back of {cycling link, choices: ['Jan', 'Maria']}'s hand — was. It had to be a dream. The touch was warm, yet distant. None of the hands involved in any of this had any weight to them. For a moment, though, it felt really nice. Maybe, if there ever was such a thing as a [[real life|Vignette3a]], it could happen there, too.

[align center] *I'm a complicated pair of people.* *It's a mess sometimes.* [align left] *I don't know who I am* [align right] *I feel like nothing is real* [align center] *I'm two kids in a trenchcoat hiding* [align left] *from something terrible* [align right] *from something nice* [align center] *I don't know why. You forget what you forgot.* *I don't know if it was [[a dream|Vignette4]] or not.*

*** *Did we hold hands with her or did we imagine that?* The air outside of their house was thick, filled with the scent of freshly cut grass and something floral. Their hands were already intertwined as they looked up at the multitude of stars in the night sky. [align right] *I don't know. Should we ask?* [align left] *No.* [align right] *Why?* [align left] *Maybe it's better if I don't know.* Jan felt a wave of sudden, nauseating anxiety. It passed as soon as it arrived, like it was never even there. [align right] *What are you scared of?* [align left] *We never talked about what would happen if someone else fell in love with you, or what would happen if it was mutual.* The garden crickets started playing their night songs. Local frogs joined soon after. [align right] *Nothing. They'd have to accept that [[I love you|Vignette5]] too.*

*** Once upon a time, dożynki were a harvest festival; these days, they were more of an excuse to drink and yell the lyrics to whatever song was being blasted from the massive speakers on a makeshift scene, from which bright lights swept all over the place. It was also a signal that the summer was coming to an end, slowly but surely. They met at one of the abandoned bus stops. The old timetable, printed on a metal plate, was almost entirely bleached; Anna studied it as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world. "The Bible says that you'll become 'one flesh'," she finally said, "I just never considered it could be literal." She didn't sound very different to the ordinary. If she had any feelings, she kept them well hidden. "I'm happy for you," she continued. "You probably can't get a closer partner even if you tried." The music kept playing in the distance. A love song, a duet, though nobody could tell what the lyrics really were. "At least I know you won't be lonely out there, I really worried about it last year." Long pause. "It's a lot of feelings all at once, now that our ways part again. I don't know how to put it in words." It was entirely too much. She didn't even know who came to meet her (which wasn't as relevant; she'd tell them both the same thing, besides, she knew it could be both of them at the same time), or if they were even listening to her at all. The love song continued. "Then show it." Anna got pulled into a tight hug. She's never been hugged like that before; never so closely, never so strongly. Almost like it required the strength of two people.