Welcome to the Universe

In his pioneering textbook/memoir, //The Necessities of Function//, Dr. Jacob Balamer posits that life can be broken into distinct, basic elements found universally throughout human existence (1999). Life, as Balamer explains, is a functional process. It is not theoretical, faltering, or illogical; it is realistic ("because it can be perceived"), perpetual ("because it seeks itself"), and practical ("because it simply //is//") (1999, pp. 21). Because life is functional, elements of life can be classified into observable, repetitional patterns (Balamer, 2001). Through his observations, Balamer investigates the meaning of life and probes at what it means to be human through a mixture of classical research and postmodern analysis. To establish the functionality of life, Balmer simplifies Maslow's hierarchy of needs by grouping the bottom two rungs of the pyramid (physiological & safety) into one, central base. According to Balamer (1999), there are only four, basic necessities needed in life for survival. [[The four basic necessities are:]]

[[Food.]]

[[Shelter.]]

[[Community.]]

[[And Life-Changing Video Games.]]

(css: "font-size: 4.8vw;") [<h1>[[Welcome to the Universe.]]</h1>]

<body2>Welcome! You have been born. This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise. You are here, after all. Still, the normal processions must be carried out. If this is somehow new information, congratulations: a lifetime of disappointment and pointless information awaits. How is it, being born? Do you feel ecstatic? Elastic? Life is something we must all come to terms with [[at some point in time.]]</body2>

(unless: $dental is true) [I...] (hover-style:)[I feel very strongly about Parisian dental work] I am throughly unengaged with the matters of I care deeply about I am completely disengaged (action:'mouseover')+ (change: $dental to true)

Everything looks like an apple to an orange.

In Chapter Seven: The Homestead Frontier, Balamer revisits his childhood and tells us a story of

I am from… The greatest place in the world Somewhere I’d rather not be

Classification and taxonomy are important functions

(mouseover: ?important)[\ (replace: ?statement15)[In general, I would say that Parisian dental work is of great importance to me.]\ (replace: ?workareaD1)[(display: "Dental1")] ]

(mouseout: ?important)[\ (replace: ?statement15)[In general, I would say that Parisian dental work is... (css: "color: transparent")[thoroug uninteest iii i]]\ (replace: ?workareaD2)[(display: "Dental2")] ]

(mouseover: ?unimportant)[\ (replace: ?statement15)[In general, I would say that Parisian dental work is thoroughly uninteresting.(css: "color: transparent")[o]]\ (replace: ?workareaD3)[(display: "Dental3")] ]

(mouseout: ?unimportant)[\ (replace: ?statement15)[In general, I would say that Parisian dental work is... (css: "color: transparent")[thoroug uninteest iii i]]\ (replace: ?workareaD4)[(display: "Dental4")] ]

(set: $name to (prompt: [Your name, please:], "Frances Spayne", "Don't care", "Confirm"))

<canvas id="canvas" width="1000" height="1000"></canvas> <script>Conway();</script> <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: relative; left: 0px; bottom: 675px; z-index: 1">(css: "font-size: 2.2vw;") [<h1>A Game by Colton Olds</h1>]</div>

A Game by Colton Olds. <canvas id="canvas" width="1000" height="1000"></canvas> <script>Conway();</script>

Balamer cites a computer science class in college as being the main inspiration for his theory. where he discovered Conway's Game of Life, that replicates cells as pixels on a screen "There's a certain stress, watching the simulation. You root for motion to survive, and you feel satisfaction when an explosion of cells reaches a lone pocket to grow again. Communities form and fall overnight, cells live and die—it's a microcosm. With these dots on a screen… I saw in them what I saw in me, in every individual, every beating heart, every breath of the universe. In that moment, I realized we all share the same pains of living, that there is a universal ache in the molecules of existence; I had to instigate it. that somehow finding the center of life would absolve us of the pain through common understanding. If I share this with them, these dots on a screen, what did I share with my fellow man? The art told me I had to listen."

Throughout his arguments, Balamer appeals to connaturalism as the overarching framework behind his research. Connaturalism is a philisophical theory that claims all individuals share universal experiences inherently by being human and that certain attriubutes of human existence are universal. While Modernist Universalism is an active appeal for unification under social normalities (calling for universal human rights, __, etc.), Balmer asserts that connaturalism trancends varying cultural practices and societal values by being an implicit "self-awareness of the innate, an understanding of the essential so we may find commonality amongst all individuals." Within this framework, connaturalist thought could be best understood as the link between the psychological and the anthropological. Balamer uses many devices to create understanding of commonality. “Connate living,” for example, is a model for finding common ground and undestanding throughout the range of human experience. to establish In explaining bridges the gap as he calls it, /verisimilar the functions of life Balamer's critics argues the self-awareness that we are all is an inherent unification that Balmer calls this "The Shared Existence." humans inherrently are unified through the shared experience of living. Ubiquitary living The shared existence

<body2>|statement1>[I am...(css: "color: transparent")[throughly uninterested in Parisian dental work.]] |important>[ [[...throughly uninterested in Parisian dental work.]] ] |unimportant>[ [[...completely enthralled with Parisian dental work.]] ] |workareaD1>[(display: "Dental1")] |workareaD2>[(display: "Dental2")] |workareaD3>[(display: "Dental3")] |workareaD4>[(display: "Dental4")]</body2>

<body2>[[Why not make the time now?|Begin the plunge.]]</body2>

<body2>You peer out of your crib wistfully, life gripping at your nostrils as your bulbous head pans the room. It has been months since you have left the hospital, and for some undeterminable reason, you have been left in this cold, damp room alone. Your face begins to sour. Loneliness is not fun. Loneliness is not what you signed up for. You cry at the top of your lungs, the realization that you are alive and singular dawning on you for the very first time. It's okay, though. This thought will only haunt you for the [[rest of your life.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $travel to 'traveller')The warmth is comforting, but you wonder what other possibilities lie beyond these padded, childproof walls. Colors, temperatures, lifeforms--Space is vast, but the mind is endless. You close your eyes to taste the possibilities. "Maybe, just maybe," you think to yourself, "somewhere in this big, beautiful world is a multi-flavored binkie.” Years later you discover the Ring Pop, and your life is [[forever changed.|childhood]] </body2>

<body2>(set: $travel to 'homebody')You lean into your mother’s embrace, her body a gentle fortress of claret and peel. The flood in your eyes has subsided now. It is calm. Brushing a thumb against your face, she gently rocks you back and forth. You turn your head, observing the once-frightening room with new eyes. “Maybe this place isn’t so bad,” you think to yourself. "Maybe I can find true peace in these walls." You close your eyes and drift into the intoxicating presence of home. These arms are the rafters of love, and your heart is [[an eternal tenant.|childhood]] </body2>

(mouseover: ?travel)[\ (replace: ?statement1)[I am a traveler.]\ (replace: ?workareaP1)[(display: "Place1")] ]

(mouseout: ?travel)[\ (replace: ?statement1)[I am...]\ (replace: ?workareaP2)[(display: "Place2")] ]

(mouseover: ?home)[\ (replace: ?statement1)[I am a homebody.]\ (replace: ?workareaP3)[(display: "Place3")] ]

(mouseout: ?home)[\ (replace: ?statement1)[I am...]\ (replace: ?workareaP4)[(display: "Place4")] ]

(mouseover: ?syn)[\ (replace: ?statementE)[I am syn-]\ (replace: ?workareaE1)[(display: "Ending1")] ]

(mouseout: ?syn)[\ (replace: ?statementE)[I am...]\ (replace: ?workareaE2)[(display: "Ending2")] ]

Balamar's critics ___. Balamer responds with the book Skin without Borders.

(set: $name to (prompt: [What is your name?],""))[(if: $name is "")[(set: $name to "nameless")]]<body2>(if: $name is not "")[[[I am $name.|test]]]I be text</body2>

<body2>[[Actually...]]</body2>

(set: $name to (prompt: [What is your name?],""))[(if: $name is "")[(set: $name to "okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I suppose I need to earn your trust first")]]<body2>(if: $name is not "")[It's $name, huh? [[I like knowing that.|try again]]]</body2>

<body2>(if: $name is "okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I suppose I need to earn your trust first")[(set: $name to "a secret")]Well(if: $name is not "a secret")[, $name:](if: $name is "a secret")[, then:] [[let’s nail the landing.|Headfirst we go.]]</body2>

<body2>Hello. My name is $name. (if: $goop is 'master')[I am the goop master.](if: $goop is 'servant')[I am the goop servant.] (if: $intelligence is "genius")[And I'm absolutely [[a genius.|me2]]](if: $intelligence is "idiot")[And I'm probably [[an idiot.|me2]]]</body2>

<body2>(if: $god is "belief" and $love is "belief")[I believe in God and love at first sight.](if: $god is "belief" and $love is "disbelief")[I believe in God but not in love at first sight.](if: $god is "disbelief" and $love is "belief")[I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in love at first sight.](if: $god is "disbelief" and $love is "disbelief")[I don’t believe in God or love at first sight.] I would say I'm (if: $alone is "like")[comfortable](if: $alone is "dislike")[uncomfortable] being alone. I prefer (if: $clean is "bath")[baths over showers](if: $clean is "shower")[showers over baths], and I (if: $surveys is "willing")[willingly](if: $surveys is "unwilling")[begrudgingly] take surveys. My friends think I’m too (if: $height is "tall")[tall](if: $height is "short")[short]. I think I’m too (if: $forethought is "impulsive")[[[impulsive.|me4]]](if: $forethought is "cautious")[[[cautious.|me4]]]</body2>

<body2>(if: $lists is "like")[[[I like lists. I like lists. I like lists. I like lists. I like lists. I like lists. I like lists. I like lists. I like lists. I like lists. I like lists. I like lists. I like lists. I like lists. I like lists. I like lists.|me6]]](if: $lists is "dislike")[[[I don't like lists.|me6]]]</body2>

<body2>I'm (if: $pride is "proud")[proud](if: $pride is "ashamed")[not proud] of [[a lot of things.|me9]]</body2>

<body2>I give you these pieces of myself because I want you to know who I am. Or at least a version of me, even if it's just the version of me that this game sees me as. I am here in spite of all my challenges, my choices, and my mistakes. I am human. I am real. I am necessary. And yet, even by telling you all of this, even by including that preamble and this vast, quite-encompassing magnitude of a description, I am more than any of these binary truths or lies alone could ever hope [[to describe or contain:]]</body2>

<body2>I am [[multitudes.]]</body2>

I am complex, the [[in-between.|The Ending]]

<body2>(if: $dental is "important" and $accuracy is "accurate")[In general, I would say that Parisian dental work is of great importance to me. Surprisingly, I would also say that this video game’s description of me is [[incredibly accurate.|me10]]](if: $dental is "important" and $accuracy is "inaccurate")[In general, I would say that Parisian dental work is of great importance to me. I would also say that this video game’s description of me is [[probably inaccurate.|me10]]](if: $dental is "unimportant" and $accuracy is "accurate")[In general, I would say that Parisian dental work is throughly uninteresting. I would also say that this video game’s description of me is [[surprisingly accurate.|me10]]](if: $dental is "unimportant" and $accuracy is "inaccurate")[In general, I would say that Parisian dental work is throughly uninteresting. In spite of that being true, this video game’s description of me is [[incredibly inaccurate.|me10]]]</body2>

<body2>I (if: $kids is "wanted")[want](if: $kids is "unwanted")[don't want] to have [[kids.|me8]]</body2>

<body2>I’m (if: $demeanor is "difficult")[high-maintenance](if: $demeanor is "easygoing")[easygoing]. I’m (if: $happiness is "happy")[happy](if: $happiness is "unhappy")[unhappy]. (if: $money is "satisfied")[Unsurprisingly, I would be satisfied with [[a boatload of money.|me5]]](if: $money is "unsatisfied")[Somewhat improbably, I would be dissatisfied with [[a boatload of money.|me5]]]</body2>

<body2>I don’t like it when all the questions (if: $questions is "answered")[[[have answers.|me7]]](if: $questions is "unanswered")[[[remain unanswered.|me7]]]</body2>

<body2>Now, it doesn't matter how much text there is! Or does it? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No]]]</div></body2>

(link: "Hey, try this.")[(set: $foo to 1)(goto: "Food.")]

[[Welp. Let's try this out.|me1]] (set: $name to (either: 'Colton', 'a secret')) (set: $goop to (either: 'master', 'servant')) (set: $intelligence to (either: 'genius', 'idiot')) (set: $people to (either: 'best', 'worst')) (set: $ending to (either: 'hopeful', 'unhopeful')) (set: $commitment to (either: 'flaky', 'committed')) (set: $vans to (either: 'afraid', 'unafraid')) (set: $jokes to (either: 'good', 'bad')) (set: $magic to (either: 'belief', 'disbelief')) (set: $coolness to (either: 'cool', 'uncool')) (set: $interest to (either: 'excited', 'bored')) (set: $travel to (either: 'traveller', 'homebody')) (set: $home to (either: 'best', 'worst')) (set: $job to (either: 'employed', 'unemployed')) (set: $house to (either: 'owner', 'borrower')) (set: $possessions to (either: 'content', 'discontent')) (set: $god to (either: 'belief', 'disbelief')) (set: $love to (either: 'belief', 'disbelief')) (set: $alone to (either: 'like', 'dislike')) (set: $clean to (either: 'shower', 'bath')) (set: $surveys to (either: 'willing', 'unwilling')) (set: $height to (either: 'tall', 'short')) (set: $forethought to (either: 'impulsive', 'cautious')) (set: $demeanor to (either: 'easygoing', 'difficult')) (set: $happiness to (either: 'happy', 'unhappy')) (set: $money to (either: 'satisfied', 'unsatisfied')) (set: $lists to (either: 'like', 'dislike')) (set: $questions to (either: 'answered', 'unanswered')) (set: $kids to (either: 'wanted', 'unwanted')) (set: $pride to (either: 'proud', 'ashamed')) (set: $dental to (either: 'important', 'unimportant')) (set: $accuracy to (either: 'accurate', 'inaccurate'))

<body2>(if: $people is "best" and $ending is "hopeful")[I generally look for the best in people, and I trust things will be okay in the end.](if: $people is "best" and $ending is "unhopeful")[I generally look for the best in people, but I don’t trust things will be okay in the end.](if: $people is "worst" and $ending is "hopeful")[I generally look for the worst in people, but I trust things will be okay in the end.](if: $people is "worst" and $ending is "unhopeful")[I generally look for the worst in people, and I don’t trust things will be okay in the end.] I’m (if: $commitment is 'flaky')[a flaky individual.](if: $commitment is 'committed')[the committed type.] I enjoy (if: $jokes is "good")[well-made](if: $jokes is "bad")[bad] jokes, and I (if: $magic is "belief")[hope](if: $magic is "disbelief")[don’t believe] that magic is real. (if: $coolness is "uncool")[(Yeah, I know. I'm pretty lame.)](if: $coolness is "cool")[(It should be frighteningly obvious why I'm cool.)] I get (if: $interest is "excited")[excited](if: $interest is "bored")[bored] easily. (if: $travel is "traveller" and $home is "best")[I like to travel, but my hometown is the greatest place in the world.](if: $travel is "homebody" and $home is "best")[I like to stay at home because I’m from the greatest place in the world.](if: $travel is "traveller" and $home is "worst")[I like to travel because my hometown is somewhere I’d rather not be.](if: $travel is "homebody" and $home is "worst")[I like to stay at home, but I’m from somewhere I’d rather not be.] (if: $job is "employed")[I have a job.](if: $job is "unemployed")[I'm unemployed.] (if: $house is "owner")[I have a house.](if: $house is "borrower")[I don't have a house.] (if: $possessions is "content")[I’m content with [[what I have.|me3]]](if: $possessions is "discontent")[I wish I [[had more.|me3]]]

<body2>[I am [[synthesis.|Credits]]] (css: "color: transparent")[syn-] (css: "color: transparent")[-thesis.]</body2>

(mouseover: ?thesis)[\ (replace: ?statementE)[I am -thesis.]\ (replace: ?workareaE3)[(display: "Ending3")] ]

(mouseout: ?thesis)[\ (replace: ?statementE)[I am...]\ (replace: ?workareaE4)[(display: "Ending4")] ]

(mouseover: ?syn2)[\ (replace: ?statementE)[I am synthesis.]\ (replace: ?workareaE5)[(display: "Ending5")] ]

(mouseover: ?thesis2)[\ (replace: ?statementE)[I am synthesis.]\ (replace: ?workareaE7)[(display: "Ending7")] ]

(mouseout: ?syn2)[\ (replace: ?statementE)[I am -thesis.]\ (replace: ?workareaE6)[(display: "Ending6")] ]

(mouseout: ?thesis2)[\ (replace: ?statementE)[I am syn-]\ (replace: ?workareaE8)[(display: "Ending8")] ]

<body2>A knob clicks, and your mother walks through the door. After saying something you don’t quite understand, she leans down and picks you up from your crib. You stare into her eyes, the warmth of her irises [[a tattered sunset.]]</body2>

Question $Qnumber: Did this work? (set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1) [[Untitled Passage 12]]

(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(if: $Qnumber is 1 and $late is 0)[ [[Untitled Passage 2]] ](if: $Qnumber is 1 and $late is 1)[ [[Untitled Passage 12]] ]

Question $Qnumber: Does this say 2? If so, hooray!

(set: $late to 1)[[Untitled Passage 11]]

<body2><div id="progressbar"><span id="loading"></span></div> (set: $counter to 68)(live: 1s)[(set: $counter to it - 1)(if: $counter is 68)[Updating.](if: $counter is 67)[Updating..](if: $counter is 66)[Updating...](if: $counter is 65)[Updating.](if: $counter is 64)[Updating..](if: $counter is 63)[Updating...](if: $counter is 62)[Updating.](if: $counter is 61)[Updating..](if: $counter is 60)[Updating...](if: $counter is 59)[Updating.](if: $counter is 58)[Updating..](if: $counter is 57)[Updating...](if: $counter is 56)[Updating.](if: $counter is 55)[Updating..](if: $counter is 54)[Updating...](if: $counter is 53)[Updating.](if: $counter is 52)[Updating..](if: $counter is 51)[Updating...](if: $counter is 50)[Updating.](if: $counter is 49)[Updating..](if: $counter is 48)[Updating...](if: $counter is 47)[Updating.](if: $counter is 46)[Updating..](if: $counter is 45)[Updating...](if: $counter is 44)[Updating.](if: $counter is 43)[Updating..](if: $counter is 42)[Updating...](if: $counter is 41)[Updating.](if: $counter is 40)[Updating..](if: $counter is 39)[Updating...](if: $counter is 38)[Updating.](if: $counter is 37)[Updating..](if: $counter is 36)[Updating...](if: $counter is 35)[Updating.](if: $counter is 34)[Updating..](if: $counter is 33)[Updating...](if: $counter is 32)[Updating.](if: $counter is 31)[Updating..](if: $counter is 30)[Updating...](if: $counter is 29)[Updating.](if: $counter is 28)[Updating..](if: $counter is 27)[Updating...](if: $counter is 26)[Updating.](if: $counter is 25)[Updating..](if: $counter is 24)[Updating...](if: $counter is 23)[Updating.](if: $counter is 22)[Updating..](if: $counter is 21)[Updating...](if: $counter is 20)[Updating.](if: $counter is 19)[Updating..](if: $counter is 18)[Updating...](if: $counter is 17)[Updating.](if: $counter is 16)[Updating..](if: $counter is 15)[Updating...](if: $counter is 14)[Updating.](if: $counter is 13)[Updating..](if: $counter is 12)[Updating...](if: $counter is 11)[Updating.](if: $counter is 10)[Updating..](if: $counter is 9)[Updating...](if: $counter is 8)[Updating.](if: $counter is 7)[Updating..](if: $counter is 6)[Unpacking.](if: $counter is 5)[Unpacking.](if: $counter is 4)[Unpacking.](if: $counter is 3)[Download Complete!](if: $counter is 2)[Download Complete!](if: $counter is 1)[Download Complete!](if: $counter is 0)[(go-to: "Next Passage")](replace: ?amount)[$counter]] Please do not close the window while installing.</body2>

<body2>Hello. The results of your feedback are in. (if: $accuracy is 'accurate')[While a few of you were extremely positive,](if: $accuracy is 'inaccurate')[To nobody’s surprise,] the majority of responses have been overwhelmingly negative. Rather than ignore the feedback, I felt I should listen to the common criticisms and reflect on my past thoughts and actions. Also, I was told if I didn’t [[I would lose funding.]]</body2>

<canvas id="canvas" width="1000" height="1000"></canvas> <script>Conway();</script> <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: relative; left: 0px; bottom: 700px; z-index: 1">(css: "font-size: 2.8vw;") [<h1>A Game by Colton Olds</h1>]</div>

<body2>Text formatting: ''Does it bold?'' //Does it italicize?// ~~Can you strikethrough?~~ ^^Superscript?^^ </body2>

<body2>Your eyes open slowly, your vision gradually adjusting to your newfound surroundings. You are in a dark room. Cage bars surround you on all sides, and a small speaker sits on an otherwise unassuming dresser. You turn your head to observe the unit further. A red LED light is on, but you can only hear the low roar of static. Strange objects and various trinkets are strewn about the room, almost haphazardly. From what you can tell, the door to the room you're in appears to be [[locked.]]</body2>

<body2>A faint light emanates from a nearby window. Time has clearly passed since the last time you were awake. How did you get here? You stand up and pick at the bars facing the door, hoping to find a lock. There might be able a way to get out of this cage and escape the room if you [[look around for clues.]]</body2>

<body2>[[You are, however, a baby.]]</body2>

<body2>Childhood is a process of aches, pains, and frequent misunderstanding. Your bones grow, and you learn how to speak. As much as food tastes good, it tastes bad. Eventually, you find out what soap is and notice that certain people should [[use it more often.|Life is a cruel mistress.]]</body2>

<body2>The playground is the modern day School of Athens, a panacea for unplaced shower thoughts and pointless conversations. On these blessed dirt mounds, people are free to share their thoughts and can converse with a variety of individuals without judgement. While adults claim to have a similar “water cooler talk," you find that it pales in comparison due to a lack of conveniently placed [[monkey bars. ]]</body2>

<body2>Children gather in small piles and patchwork patterns around metallic, towering structures. You quietly dangle from a blue ladder, waiting for a conversation to unfold. “I think our town is the greatest place in the world,” a child confidently states. The general mood permeating through the air is one of agreement. Another child nods. “Our town has a McDonald’s and a Pizza Hut. [[There can be no place greater in the world.”]]</body2>

<body2>The crowd murmurs with endorsement, approval reaching a record high. Not to be spoken for, a kid hanging upside-down on the jungle gym rises up as the lone voice of dissent. “I don’t know. We don’t have an Applebee’s," [[he says.|“Nobody likes Applebee’s.”]]</body2>

<body2>It is April 1861. Lincoln has just received word on the attack of Fort Sumter. [[The Civil War has begun.]]</body2>

<body2>“I like Applebee’s!” “Applebee’s //suuuuuuucks.//” “What about Chili’s?” “I’m a vegetarian.” Voices power against each other, the clamor seething like a small Norfolk village. A tiny child lifts their head from the bottom of a pile, prepared to squash the argument [[once and for all.]]</body2>

<body2>"The zoning is impossible!" "Yeah! Franchisees have strict regulations imposed on them to prevent overexpansion!" The fighting starts back, each side more enraged than before. Any hope of unity is shattered, Thornton Wilder’s bones crumpling to dust. You watch the clamor, stupefied by the discussion unfolding before you. [[This is the moment you decide:]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $home to 'best')You smile, the chaos around you a comfortable maelstrom. The people here understand you. They see you. You don’t need two McDonald’s. You need community. Passion. Children that care about zoning ordinances. You watch as smoke fills the sky, the cannons ready with gunpowder and conviction. "Hand me a match," you say. This is home. You have everything you could ever want [[right here.|bio]] </body2>

<body2>(set: $home to 'worst')So much for The School of Athens. Yes, the world beyond is much more exciting than where you are, but it has nothing to do with the availability of multiple fast food establishments in the same town. These dolts don’t get it. There are greener pastures out there, capital-S Somethings to be discovered. One day, you will venture out and see this truth firsthand. The only wall confining you now is [[childhood itself.|bio]] </body2>

A student of Carnegie Mellon, Balamer graduated from the College of Humanities and Social Sciences in 1978 with a B.S. in Sociology. Balamer, originally a mathematics major, switched midway through the program after being inspired by the burgeoning social movements of the 70s and rapid advancements in computer science. Balamer immediately followed up on his undergraduate studies with a Master’s in Sociology and went on to work as a programmer at a small consultancy firm in California (Schafer, 2007). Balamer worked at the firm for several years, leaving shortly after the company was absorbed by Tetra Tech. Dissatisfied by a personal lack in enacting societal change (and feeling that many aspects of his degree were underutilized) (Schafer, 2007), Balamer would go back to school and receive a doctorate in Cognitive Science from the University of California San Diego in 1991. Balamer then taught at Stanford before transferring to the University of California Berkley and would write many foundational texts on [[computation and information processing.]]

<body2>There’s a rumor going around that a clown is coming to school today. You’ve never seen a clown before, at least in real life. Fiction has depicted the Clown in a multitude of fashions. The clown, culturally, is subject of equal admiration and derision, an ever-flowing fountain of entertainment, tribulation, and fear. Clowns are the key to understanding much of culture--to be a clown is to hold a thread in the entanglement of history, to press forward in spite of adversity or challenge. [[You wonder if he will have a long nose.]]</body2>

<body2>The clown walks through the door, and his appearance immediately perplexes you. His clothes are a mix of buttons and fabrics; he is both rotund and gangly, dwarfish and colossal in equal measure. His demeanor evokes the sensibilities of Emmett Kelly, Joseph Grimaldi, and Shaggy 2 Dope. You look for a face only to find a heterogenous pool of mask and paint: he is The Perfect Clown, an amorphous Proteus forged in the fire of Commedia dell’arte. He quietly kneels down beside you. You are [[the chosen one.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $jokes to 'good')Your face sullies, the Apple of Knowledge forcibly plunged into your mouth. The clown is an affront to God, a pitiful mortal unaware of what is good and just in the world. Clowns represent full depravity and unchecked hubris. We are to speak in truth, not deceit and lies. The stories are wrong. Canio is not a tragic puppet of circumstance or dramatic irony, but a fool undeserving of compassion and love. You sneer off to the side as he honks a tiny horn, unamused by his childish antics and rancor for society. History has lied. Clowns are deviants, civil points of failure [[antithetical to humor.]]</body2>

<body2>(Also, he could've sprayed someone else in the face. [[That would've been funny.]])</body2>

<body2>You’ve been instructed to write a short essay on the topic “Should kids have homework?” for English class. While you are glad your teacher is interested in hearing about topics actually relevant to your life (unlike last week’s discussion climate change), you’re not quite sure where to start. You reach down in the deep well of ideas swirling inside your brain. Homework good… but [[also bad?]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $jokes to 'bad')Hahaha! [[Clowns!|That would've been funny.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $demeanor to 'difficult')You bang your head against the table repeatedly. You’ve not yet found that all it takes for a passing grade is to type semi-coherent sentences. “Pleaseeeeee help meeeeeeee,” you cry out. “Begging like that is never going to get you want.” Later in life, you find people are quite susceptible to such flagrant manipulation. Take that, [[authority figures.|Maybe life comes naturally, after all.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $demeanor to 'easygoing')Well, if they’re busy, they’re busy. You wrack your brain for ideas. “Maybe I’ll get inspiration by eating dinner,” you decide. You can’t think on an empty stomach, after all. In the end, you end up writing nothing. But who cares? By not writing the paper, you’ve proven your point. [[Take that, modernists.|Maybe life comes naturally, after all.]]</body2>

<body2>Autumn has fallen to a proud winter’s solider. You sit in the dark, wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket. //The Big Bunny Cartoon// is on TV. Overcast light peers through the blinds, and you turn your attention to the screen. It’s an episode you haven’t seen before. The Big Bunny is looking for carrots in a dark forest. “Wow,” you think quietly to yourself, “that [[bunny sure is big.”]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $interest to 'excited')The bunny trips on a log. Hot dang! That Bunny is so Big! You giggle softly to yourself. “I wonder what big adventure he’ll get into today,” you ponder, forgetting all about the remote. You sink back into the couch, your arms dissolving into discolored pleather. There will be other days to explore the world. [[Today belongs to the Big Bunny.|bodies]] </body2>

<body2>(set: $interest to 'bored')The Big Bunny wanders through the big forest. You feel like this happens every episode. You turn the TV off and jump off the couch. The bunny will be big another day. He is the Big Bunny, [[after all.|bodies]] </body2>

<body2>Middle school bodies are like crappy NYC apartments: nothing seems to fit right, the smells never go away, (if: $jokes is 'bad')[and the likelihood of ever seeing your security deposit again is slim to none.](if: $jokes is 'good')[and the general experience makes you wonder how growing up was ever considered a good idea.] Regardless, the young adult body is a universal conundrum that everyone must confront at some point. (Don't get discouraged. Studies from //The New York Times// tell you these feelings are permanent and leave [[ever-lasting damage to your psyche.)|height]] </body2>

<body2>(set: $height to 'tall')You feel langly and gangly, a miserable pyre that towers above everyone. People call you Tall-O. It's weird. You never fully process the teasing. It's strange, being able to see everything at concerts. It shouldn't happen. But here you are. You're not sure of your place in the world. Maybe you [[should fight crime.|labels]] </body2>

<body2>(set: $height to 'short')It's true. You're short. Nobody picks you for basketball. You don't even like basketball, but it's the principle of the matter. You want to soar. Fight Godzilla. Nobody wants to be a tree stump for Halloween. Maybe things will change. [[Probably not.|labels]] </body2>

In order to understand life as a functional process, Balamer (2000) establishes that opposing boundaries are the best way to define universal functionality. Existence, for example, only has two, opposing states: life and death. As a human being, you can only exist within one of those states at a given time. While rudimentary, this example highlights how polarities are necessary in defining states and understanding characteristics at a given time. “We shouldn’t be resistant to labels,” Balamer writes (2003, p. 16): <blockquote>Labels allow us to talk about what things are and create building blocks of understanding. I can only understand something through relative knowledge; my whole basis of understanding builds off of what something is and what something isn’t… Classification and taxonomy are important functions. We shouldn’t be [[afraid of definition]].</blockquote>

<body2>You’ve grown quite a bit now, the days of peering up from countertops long behind you. You’ve progressed in your schooling, and you’ve actually matured somewhat. You have responsibilities. Commitments. Hairs that didn’t use to be there. Your family has entrusted you to grab a box of pasta for tonight’s dinner. Staring at the endless wall of rectangular cartons and cartoonish noodle shapes, you wonder if macaroni is [[a good substitute for spaghetti.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $kids to 'wanted')God help us all. It’s so easy to see our mistakes in the mirror of youth. Children are teetering, confused versions of ourselves, blindly wandering though the world. One day you will be the sage, guiding them through trials and tribulations, and in time, they will guide the generations after them. The orange sludge drifts close to your foot, and you jump back, afraid of accidental contact. You hurriedly grab a box of rigatoni and place it into your hand basket. The time to guide [[is not today.|radstuff]] </body2>

<body2>(set: $kids to 'unwanted')Of all the days your family could have gone grocery shopping, they just //had// to choose today. The ginger, quiche-like milk trickles down the aisle. If you ever entertained the idea of having kids, the thought has now perished. You run away with a box of bowtie noodles. Messes like this reassure you that you [[made the right decision.|radstuff]] </body2>

<body2>8 p.m. television programming. Fake Cigarettes. Coolness doesn't even begin to describe your latest acquisition: You just got a [[new set of wheels.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $coolness to 'cool')You point up to the sky and do a quadruple kickflip on your skateboard. "Woah," everyone exclaims in unison. You hit the ground, and your skateboard catches on fire from the speed. You do a flip to put out the flames. The crowd [[cheers as you land.]]

<body2>(set: $coolness to 'uncool')You jump in the air, only to realize your shoelaces are tied together. You fall from the roof into a pit of spikes. A boy spontaneously combusts from the sight of your failure, and the school catches on fire. They can't afford to fix the school. Everyone has to go to school in a burned-down building. It's all your fault. You hang your head in shame. [[You will never Heely again.|prophecy]]</body2>

<body2>It is time. The Ancient Ones knew this day would come. Prophesies were bound to stone tablets; words were engraved in cuneiform and blood. Wars were fought. Lives were lost. It was all [[leading up to this.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $intelligence to 'idiot')You look up to the sky and place the bottle on the ground in an act of rebellion. “I will have my way,” you cry out. “I will fight God, and I will come out as the sole bearer of beauty.” You unload the clip of discs into the bottle. Almost through impulse, the sugar water bubbles violently, and chemicals fill the sky with reckless abandon. You marvel in the sugary glow of your accomplishment. Victory is here: [[Babylon has formed.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $intelligence to 'genius')Like the cavemen discovering the miracle of flame, your eyes widen at the marvel standing before you. Neighbors turn in fear. Continents crack across the planet. You are a God, Prometheus, Alexander, Walt Disney. The pillar bubbles down. Mere mortals wish they shared this strength. This is your knowledge--your power--to hold until the end of time. [[YouTube is the greatest invention in the world.|connatural]] </body2>

Throughout his arguments, Balamer appeals to connaturalism as the overarching framework behind his research. Connaturalism is a philosophical theory that claims all individuals share universal experiences inherently by being human and posits that certain attributes of human existence are universal (Balmer, 1998). While Modernist Universalism is "an active appeal for unification under varying social normalities" (calling for universal human rights and applications) (Fisher, 1987), Balmer asserts that connaturalism transcends varying cultural practices and societal values by being an implicit "self-awareness of the innate, an understanding of the essential so we may find commonality amongst all individuals." (2001, p. 5). Within this framework, connaturalist thought could be best understood as the link between the psychological and the anthropological (Carrie, 2007). Balamer creates many sociological frameworks to establish basic understanding of commonality. Humans beings, as Balamer puts it (1999, p. 11), are "inherently unified" through the collective experience of living: "to be human is to live" (Balamer, 1998, p. 23). Balamer (1999, p. 99) calls this basic principle “the shared existence.” “Once we see our shared existence on a macro and micro level,” Balamer claims (1999, p. 105), “we can truly value life.” Balamer’s techniques give us building blocks of universal understanding and methodologies for comparing our similarities and differences as a species. Connate living, for example, is a model for finding common ground and understanding throughout the range of human experience (Rogers, 2004). As Balamer describes (1999, p. 128), "Connate living establishes that no individual is perfect" and that flaws and mistakes are inevitable—even necessary—if growth is to occur. By demonstrating the futility of perfection, Balamer claims (1999, p. 136), we can "better understand ourselves and collectively manufacture a considerate, thoughtful society." Through these methodologies, Balamer breaks down human behavior into individual components so that empathy for others can be [[actively deployed|movie]] (Roberts, 2005).

<body2>You sit in a darkened room, and a towering white frame stands before you. Air blows softly from a ventilation unit, gently humming songs like Ave Maria. You are slightly chilled [[but at peace.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $questions to 'answered')Questions are necessary for understanding, the foundations to our houses. So much of our lives have been confined by linework--our experiences, our art, our values. Boundaries do not exist in the way previous planeswalkers have described: Cinema //is// verite. Our needs are our mechanisms. Truth must be discovered in order to be truth. Discover the want and want the discovery. We are gelatin like the Earth is clay. The fact that a question exists at all [[is beautiful.|placeholder]] </body2>

<body2>(set: $questions to 'unanswered')Unanswered art is, ironically, a failure of imagination. An artist’s job is to shape emptiness, to point and relay thoughts and emotions through space for the purposes of expression and growth. The artist should be considerate, yet so much of art is incomplete. If we are to learn, we must be presented knowledge. We should expect more from our artists and reject the unpurposeful brush. I am a lens. If I am to feel resolved, then [[the art should be too.|placeholder]] </body2>

<body2>This is placeholder text for an unfinished story section that will be added in a future update. Please make a selection on the next screen, imagining the scenario that [[lead to these options:]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $goop to 'master')You look up at the magenta sky and marvel. I am in control. Everything has a place, and that place is known. The wind brushes your hair. Destiny is earned, not thrown. [[You enter the horizon.|walking]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $goop to 'servant')You smile at the man, knowing he will never understand. The pleasure of knowledge is comfortably within in your grasp. Time will always be, but you are now. You understand chaos, your place in the world. We cannot hold the power. The temporal beauty--[[we are subservient.|walking]] </body2>

<body2>Walking down the street, your gaze lands upon a striking individual. Something about their physique fascinates you. Their fashion is distinct, and their face brings you warmth. You stop as they enter a cafe on your left, your head casually turned to the glass window. Their mannerisms captivate you. You can tell they hold magic, a power beyond normal human understanding. You are fascinated. [[Charmed, even.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $love to 'belief')You look up at the menu board confused. Maybe you should say hi. Maybe you should get a drink. You glance in their direction. Okay, you should definitely get a drink. It’s weird to go in and not get a drink. You walk towards the line and stand behind them. Small. Small drink. You look back up at the menu board, noticing the medium is only a few cents more than the small. Ugh. [[Just get the medium.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $love to 'disbelief')You step behind them in line. “Excuse me,” you say. They turn around, confused. “Your shoes are untied.” You noticed their laces when they walked in the cafe. They smile, the tension of an upsetting encounter quickly deflating. “Oh, thanks!” They bend down to fix their shoe. Maybe you should say [[something else.]]</body2>

<body2>Looking back on your formative years, you inspect the long, winding road that has led you to where you are today. It’s hard to imagine there was a time where you fit neatly into a shoe box, your heart slightly bigger than your pinky nail. Life is growing, changing in ways you thought would always stay the same. Somehow, you've grown older, dumber, and wiser in equal measure. [[Time is a mystery.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $pride to 'proud')You know? Life actually is good. You’ve accomplished a lot of things over the years. You finished school. You found out who you are. You even did something with goop! The future is a new day, and you’re excited about the possibilities. Age is a swimming pool. Might as well [[jump right in.|conway]] </body2>

<body2>(set: $pride to 'ashamed')Constantly growing and changing is inevitable, but you don’t have to feel good about it. Sure, things didn't go the way you planned. But that doesn't excuse your behavior. You know you could've done more. You're disappointed in yourself. There’s always time to change, though. You can always be a new person. Cherish the life that exists and cling onto hope. You never know which [[will run out first.|conway]]</body2>

Balamer cites the burgeoning computer science department at Carnegie Mellon for being the impetus behind his foundational theories (2005). During his time in the mathematics deparment, Balamer became deeply interested in computer chess and would seek guidance from various staff members, such as Allen Newell, about the rapidly-growing field (Schafer, 2007). Balamer would soon become entranced with the world of computing and all its possibilities. Under the tutelage of Herbert A. Simon, Balamer was exposed to Conway's Game of Life (Schafer, 2007), a cellular automaton that replicates cells as pixels on a screen to prove complex, fluctuating patterns can form out of recursive systems. Cellular automatons are mathematical simulations comprised of blocks on a grid called cells; these blocks behave in a specific manner over time based on a basic set of rules that allow the cells to change states. Cellular automatons have been used in a variety of disciplines to display how varying, complex patterns can emerge from limiting rulesets and random generation. Conway’s Game of Life, for example, creates an ecosystem of cells from only four guiding rules and two varying states: life and death. In //The Necessities of Function//, Balamer (1999, p. 104) states: <blockquote>There's a certain stress, watching the simulation. You root for motion to survive, and you feel satisfaction when an explosion of cells reaches a lone pocket to grow again. Communities form and fall overnight, cells live and die in equal measure—it's a microcosm. With these dots on a screen… I saw in them what I saw in me, in every individual, every beating heart, every breath of the universe. I realized then that we all share the same pains of living, that there is a universal ache in the molecules of existence; I knew I had to instigate it. I thought that finding the center of life would absolve us of this pain through common understanding. If I shared this with them, these dots on a screen, what did I share with my fellow man? The art told me [[I had to listen.|shirt]]</blockquote>

<body2>Back from a night of dirty dancing, you walk into your apartment and notice a small stain on the bottom of your shirt. You pull your shirt taut to inspect the darkened fabric. It's forest green, tinged with a hint of regret. Was that there when you put this on earlier? Flipping through the mental catalog of //Every Time You Wore That Shirt// (Spring Edition), you pore over the sweaty jogs, drunken hijinks, and dirty lawn chairs that have peppered your past. Well... Who knows how [[it got there.|Ew.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $clean to 'bath')Slipping into the bathroom, you turn on the faucet. Showers are for weaklings. Baths allow you to soak, to contemplate. The problem with showers is that they are transient. Fidgety. The shower decides when it's done, not you. Who are you to be ruled by a shower? Showers are transactional. Baths are committed. You are a committed individual. You need a bath. You poke your foot into the water. Ahhhhhhh. [[That feels nice.|argue]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $clean to 'shower')Peeling back the curtain, you admire the shower head nozzle. Baths are deceptive. Deceitful, even. The bath is a swamp. It's conditional love. It's insincere. Showers, however, are truthful and open. Showers are targeted. Direct. There's no pretense with a shower. The shower is genuine. You step into the flood. Honest folk take showers. You know what you want, and you want a shower. Cleanliness becomes your being; the warmth of the stream [[will guide you home.|argue]]</body2>

<body2>“I don’t understand how you can’t see the problem. These are the things we can fix as a society!” Your friends are arguing over the same, idiotic topics that they always are. The flow of conversation is predictable. Friend A is going to completely disassociate from the conversation. Friend B is going to take disinterest as an opportunity to double down. Judging by how the conversation's gone so far, you expect Friend B will soon appeal to universal human rights and/or [[Jungian psychology.|universal human rights.]]</body2>

<body2>“I don’t think you know what that means.” “You have to have some opinion on this.” “Not everything has to have an opinion.” “You would have an opinion if this was directly affecting you.” “This is not affecting to me, and I don't think I would.” Before God has a chance to strike you down, they both turn to you. [[“What do you think?”]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $dental to 'important')You agree. This is something everyone should have an opinion about. “See! That’s what I’m talking about! This is important to people!” “You two are insufferable.” “I am an honest person! You are full of lies and deceit with your proper teeth.” “I am leaving, and we will never talk about this again.” You slump back in your chair, knowing full well that [[someone will bring this up again.|jobsucks]] </body2>

<body2>(set: $dental to 'unimportant')You tell them that you'd rather gouge out your eyes with a stapler than add anything meaningful to this conversation. "Finally, some common sense." "Ugh. You guys just don't get it!" Your friend storms off, unamused by the collective prejudice on French orthodontics. "This isn't the last of this! You'll hear about this again!" You wipe your face with your hands. This is [[unfortunately true.|jobsucks]]</body2>

<body2>Your job sucks. You’ve been plugging away at the same, cruddy job for a while now, stuck filling potholes when you want to pave roads. Nothing ever seems to get done around here. The atmosphere isn't much better. Your coworkers don’t really understand you; they don’t see the value in your interests or ideas. It’s draining, unfulfilling work. But you have bills. Commitments. Life seems pretty meaningless as it exists now. You wonder if you should [[quit your job.|forethought]] </body2>

<body2>(set: $forethought to 'impulsive')You should quit, you decide. Fulfillment is survival. There’s no room for growth here. Even if things do get better, do you want to be stuck here all your life? Sometimes we just have to fill uncomfortable problems with uncomfortable decisions. Jumping out of the window onto truck bed full of mattresses, you throw your arms into the air and wave goodbye to your coworkers. It's time to go. You can’t taste nectar if you [[don’t leave the hive.|apartment]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $forethought to 'cautious')You reconsider your options. Maybe you should stay. Maybe things can change. You formulate a plan. If things don’t get better in a month, you’ll start applying for other jobs and turn in your two weeks notice after you get a better offer. You don't have to rush this. You can save up. Reflect. It's better to be comfortable in your decisions now than make time for regret. And being safe is preferable to jumping out of a window, even if you work [[beside a mattress factory.|apartment]]</body2>

<body2>You look at your shoebox apartment. Other than a mattress and a doorframe, there's not much to look at. For a long time, there wasn’t a point in amassing a lot of stuff. You’ve had work and friends and school. Life found ways to keep you busy. Now, time is slower and bare walls are more noticeable. Like that chip in the wall you forgot to note on [[your security deposit.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $possessions to 'content')Objects impede relationships, you decide. So many people are burdened by their possessions. When you own a lot of things, your possessions make choices for you. Ownership is a decision and a sacrifice of activity. You are unencumbered by moving costs, coat checks, and idolatry. Your life is a pruned garden. You look up at the dim lightbulb illuminating your room. While drab, it is functional. There is gestalt in survival. You have a roof over your head and a bed. [[That’s enough.|relationship]] </body2>

<body2>(set: $possessions to 'discontent')Space, in it's purest form, can only exist in the absence of matter. You are not looking for survival. You are looking for presence. You look around the room, equally filled with yearning and shame. Walls are canvases--channels of information, stimulation, and knowledge. These walls want to scream, to cry out for a message. Meaning is made through our relationships with stimuli. Openness is opportunity. Spaces desire meaningfulness. You silence their lips before a breath is drawn. Life is to be filled: [[space exists to be saturated.|relationship]] </body2>

Balamer writes about the importance of relationship as a human function and the interdependence of humanity in chapter twenty-one: "Baseball Cards & Bentleys." In this chapter, Balamer establishes that all humans participate in ever-changing, collective play in order to create societal boundaries (1999). Humans shape their understandings and behavior from direct observation (Davis, 1967). Humans then test these boundaries through play, and cultural normalities evolve through reinforcement and reiteration (Balamer, 1999). Over time, standards, practices and lifestyles can vary wildly depending on the cultural climates they were shaped in (Allen, 1979). This phenomenon is best summarized by Balamer's reflections (1999, p. 152) at the end of the chapter: “As people, we are influenced by the thoughts, ideas, and even the sheer existence of others; I exist independent of you, but I would not understand myself without you.” While "objects in space can be observed independently" (i.e. truth in scientific realism) (Roberts, 1967), Balamer (2001, p. 60) claims that a relational ontology is necessary to understand human function: “Behavior is a construct formed by relationship with others through relationship with others. My thoughts inform yours, whether they are found in agreeance or dismissal. Our creations and tombstones are a dialogue.” Due to the ubiquitous nature of interconnection, relationship can be formed with virtually any aspect of modern society, obfuscating the source of universal functions with seemingly infinite departure and entry points (Balamer, 2002). Determining true functionality in patterns of existence requires a multitude of lenses and intense scrutiny. Balamer elaborates on this difficulty during a presentation at the 21st Annual Meeting of the Cognitive Science Society in Vancouver (1999): “Finding and confronting truth, in any sense, is difficult. You are either perpetually satisfied or dissatisfied with your findings… There isn't resolution in the traditional sense. The only constant is [[the wind.]]”

<body2>The news is in: you’re old. You thought it wouldn’t happen. "It doesn’t happen to a lot of people," you reason. People die all the time. It was a natural assumption to make. You stare into the soda-lime glass caking your bathroom. Your skin doesn’t stretch in the same ways. Your hair is a bitter white. You’re even making the same, trite observations old people do. Where does the time go? What is going on [[with my life?|happiness]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $happiness to 'unhappy')Yeah. You push back on the slightly ajar medicine cabinet door that's never shut because the latch broke months ago. [[Everything sucks.|retirement]] </body2>

<body2>(set: $happiness to 'happy')You rub the lingering crust from your eyes. Life isn't so bad. You have skin. (if: $kids is "wanted")[You have a child.](if: $kids is "unwanted")[You don't have kids.] Things could always be worse. You sit on the toilet, fresh from your revelations, and look at the toilet paper holder beside you. A new roll hangs from the metal bar, the white chemical pulpwood not yet broken by human hands. You bless God for this day. Things could always [[be worse.|retirement]]</body2>

<body2>Retirement is a bag of bricks, and you are the noggin. You can't work like you used to, and you're so tired that you don't want to. You walk outside to get the mail. Your neighbor is backing another dump truck of cash onto his driveway. You look at the clean, rubber tires--the slick, metal frame. It's the Louvre of lorry dumpers, the Taj Mahal of [[tipper trailers.|Burger King coupons.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $money to 'satisfied')Another dump truck pulls into the driveway, this one three times the size of the previous one. Mountains of cash pour onto the smaller dump truck, Benjamins becoming shinplasters. You pick a worn penny off the ground. It's cliche to say that money can't buy you happiness. It’s also cliche to die in squalor, like you know [[you probably will.|checkout]] </body2>

<body2>(set: $money to 'unsatisfied')Knowing your luck, having that much money would cause the piles to fall on top of you, killing you instantly. Money doesn't buy happiness. It buys dump trucks of cash. You pocket the mailpaper coupons and walk back to your place. It's a [[Burger King night.|checkout]] </body2>

<body2>It's late. You’re standing in line at the checkout counter. Tabloids blanket a small magazine rack. The person in front of you slips a pack of gum into [[their hoodie.|people]] </body2>

(set: $people to 'best')<body2>You stare at the conveyor belt. People need to do what they can to survive. Life has beaten us down so much. [[I want us to be okay.|dream]]</body2>

(set: $people to 'worst')<body2>You stare at the conveyor belt. People take advantage of each other so often. [[Life is exhausting.|dream]]</body2>

<body2>An emptiness surrounds you. What once felt like promise fetors of inevitability. You walk in the gaps between words, searching for a permanent home. Space is violent. You take a step forward, unsure of [[what lies beyond punctuation.|afraid of the silence.]]</body2>

(set: $ending to 'unhopeful')<body2>You look where the sky should be only to see a river. You reach for the current. It's warm. I’m going to sink. I always knew that, but I thought my boat would hold water. None of you know what it’s like to plant a seed by hand. You fix weights to ships, and you tell them the water's fine. I’m an arduous process, arboreous labor. My bones are the dirt the ground came from, my trees the gift of broken hands. I want you to find the coastline. But none of you see it, [[none of you do.]]</body2>

(set: $ending to 'hopeful')<body2>She looks at you and smiles. I know you. I always knew you. The coast flickers in the distance. My hands are worn paper cuts we tore together. I saw the boat, the smoke pillars. I saw the trees, the dirt from which all came. I know there are still things to be done; I know we can make sails from the branches. Still. I’m lost in these flurries, but the [[flurries feel like home.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $surveys to 'willing')(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)Great! Let’s get started. We’ve designed a quick, light-hearted questionnaire to hear your thoughts on the game so far. The survey should only take [[a few minutes to complete.]]</body2>

<body2>Let’s hold on a little bit longer. Let’s change things. Let’s scar. [[You can be my alibi.]]</body2>

<body2>[[I’m sorry for taking so long.]]</body2>

<body2>Hello! Thank you for playing //Welcome to the Universe//. We hope you’ve enjoyed your time with the game so far. As you may know, this game is still in active development. You have been randomly selected to take a quick survey for player feedback. Would you like to participate in the survey? [[Yes.|willing]] [[No.|unwilling]]</body2>

<body2>We all have a facade to play. I’ve written it; I’ve lost sight. We’re all going to sink one day. The smoke is ablaze; the smoke is on fire. Build your boats out of me. Trust in process; trust in old eyes. It won't work out, but we'll float together. I’m doing what I can to find you; hold on to your winter [[in time.|to your winter.]]</body2>

<body2>I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I’ll be good now. [[I’m sorry for taking so long.]] </body2>

<body2>Question $Qnumber: Do you believe in God?(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1) -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $god to 'belief')(goto: "accuracy")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ (link: "No")[(set: $god to 'disbelief')(goto: "accuracy")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question $Qnumber: To the best of your knowledge, would you say this video game has accurately described your life?(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1) -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $accuracy to 'accurate')(goto: "obtrusive")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ (link: "No")[(set: $accuracy to 'inaccurate')(goto: "obtrusive")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question $Qnumber: Is it obtrusive to ask you to complete a survey while in the middle of a game?(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1) -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|van]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|van]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question $Qnumber: We are considering adding more scenarios to the early development stages of the game. If you were a child and there was a sketchy individual standing beside a van, would you interact with them? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $vans to 'unafraid')(goto: "van2")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ (link: "No")[(set: $vans to 'afraid')(goto: "van2")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question [$Qnumber]b: Do you think you should instantly die if you interact with the individual in any capacity? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|van3]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "committed")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question [$Qnumber]c: Would you like to see more scenarios with sudden, shocking endings like that in the game? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|vanending]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "committed")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Congratulations! You've won! (live: 2.8s)[(Okay, not really. Just go back.)] (live: 10s)[(That means press undo.)] (live: 15s)[(Please.)] (live: 26s)[(go-to: "truegamer")] </body2>

<body2>Question $Qnumber: Are you a committed person?(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1) -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $commitment to 'committed')(goto: "job")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ (link: "No")[(set: $commitment to 'flaky')(goto: "job")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question $Qnumber: Do you currently have a job? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $job to 'employed')(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "house")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $job to 'unemployed')(goto: "job2")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question [$Qnumber]b: Have you ever had a job? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "house")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|job3]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question [$Qnumber]c: Will you ever get a job? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "house")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "house")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question $Qnumber: Do you own a house?(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1) -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $house to 'owner')(goto: "lists")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $house to 'borrower')(goto: "lists")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question $Qnumber: Do you like lists? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $lists to 'like')(goto: "lists2")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $lists to 'dislike')(goto: "lists2")]]</div></body2>

<body2>[[Here is a list:|lists3]] - Chlamydia - Syphilis - Gonorrhea - Scabies - Pubic lice - Cervicitis - Gonorrhea II </body2>

<body2>Question [$Qnumber]b: Would you consider that list a good list? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "game")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|lists4]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question [$Qnumber]bc: Could you see yourself liking a list that you thought you wouldn't like if it was a surprisingly good list? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "game")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "game")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question $Qnumber: Would you say this is a good game? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "length")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|game2]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question [$Qnumber]b: Would you say this is a good game in the metatextual sense? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "length")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|game 3]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question [$Qnumber]c: Would you say that to the creator’s face? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|game4]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "length")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question [$Qnumber]d: Have you ever practiced boxing or any type of martial arts? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "length")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "length")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question $Qnumber: Do you think this survey is the right length? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "Survey Over")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|length2]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question [$Qnumber]b: Do you think this survey should be a lot longer? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "Survey Over")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|length3]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question [$Qnumber]c: Do you think this survey should be a little bit longer? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "Survey Over")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|length4]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question [$Qnumber]d: Do you think this survey should be longer by an amount that fits in between a little and a lot? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "Survey Over")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|length5]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Question [$Qnumber]e: Do you regret not saying this survey is the right length originally? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "Survey Over")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "Survey Over")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Thank you for your participation. We will process the results and get back to you shortly. Your feedback is invaluable. We hope you enjoy the rest of your time in space, wherever that may be. Now, let's get [[back to the game:]]</body2>

<body2>The news came today. Your (if: $kids is 'wanted')[daughter](if: $kids is 'unwanted')[partner] [[has cancer.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $magic to 'belief')But miracles do exist. Life is a cascading, measureless list of somehows. Somehow you got here. (If: $love is 'belief')[Somehow you weren't ignored in that coffeeshop.](if: $love is 'disbelief')[Somehow you found love.] Somehow you got to experience all the wonderful moments that connect the dots of your life. Life is full of magic. It is auspicious. Surprising. Things may not end as we planned, but hope is the only resource that can never run out. Seasons will come. Change will go. But life will persist. [[Somehow.|quiet]] </body2>

<body2>(set: $magic to 'disbelief')Magic doesn’t exist to bail us out. We will get the results that we get, and we will cry tears of joy or grief from the words that transpire. Miracles don’t happen in the ways people think they do. Miracles are dirt roads that lead to small ponds. Miracles are friendships from college that still exist. Miracles are quiet Sundays in the park and dog day afternoons. You can trace miracles the way you can count breaths, constellations of open secrets. You hold steadfast in your memories, knowing that the warmth of joy is a past that can never be taken away. Humans, ultimately, are miracles--the time you get to spend with them, [[a blessing.|quiet]] </body2>

<body2>It is empty. The world around you is creaks and bones, the hardwood floor a muted fretboard. No one else is around. The universe is quiet, a silent denouement for an inevitable ending. You see it on the skin, the distance. Your time is drawing to [[a close.]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $alone to 'like')Absence is under-appreciated in modernity. So many people look forward without looking inward. Solitude is needed for reflection. Silence is a conversation with ourselves. There is a calmness to still life. You are on the waves now, riding the water as it ebbs and flows. [[It is cool to touch.|critic]]</body2>

<body2>(set: $alone to 'dislike')Where are we in conjunction to each other? There's an invisible pull bringing us towards one another. You can feel it in the air, in the spaces between words. I want to know you. I need to know you because knowing you helps me understand me, helps me understand what it needs to live. Knowing you is living is breathing is being--life without commas run-on sentences that we still understand. I don't exist without you. I don't want [[to be alone.|critic]] </body2>

Balamer’s theories have been sharply criticized in recent years, with critics claiming his unconventional methodology and sweeping conclusions are “antiquated,” (Fisk, 2014), “dangerous,” (Fitchew, 2018) and “counter-productive” (Dunn, 2015) to modern progress in psychology and sociology. Dr. Harris Crowder, a researcher of Behavioral Economics at The University of Pennsylvania, denounced Balamer’s theories (2019, p. 2), describing universal functionality as a “verisimilar facade of truth, a frightening pastiche that serves only to bolster the supposed intelligence of the person writing it.” Balamer (2019, p. 13) responded to critical reassessment in the book //Skin without Borders//, arguing that “connaturalism and functionality will always be relevant to modern society because of the unignorable, ever-present qualities displayed in life itself." Reception to the book was mixed. “My work has always been, and will always be, polarizing,” Balamer said in an interview with //The New York Times// (2019, p. 4): <blockquote>This unjust villainization of my life’s work only proves that my theories have merit and that further research should be conducted… My experiences will not be erased, and I am only emboldened in my convictions. This is a swing in the cultural pendulum of academia; seasons come and seasons go. I’ve lived long enough to see it happen already.</blockquote> (If: $questions is 'answered')[Still, Balamer presses on, in spite of widespread cultural acceptance. Balamer is expected to release his newest work, a video game titled //Welcome to the Universe//, early next year. According to Balamer (2023, p. 45), Welcome to the Universe aims to provide a gentle introduction into his concepts: <blockquote>I loved playing games in the 80s. As the world's fastest growing art-form, games have the greatest potential to change public perception and inform cultural footholds. The narrative game, in particular, offers extreme variance in player expression and choice. We looked at a lot of games to get a feel of the cultural landscape and current attitudes towards narrative progression. I want people to reconsider each other’s lifestyles and let players freely explore the choices we all face in our day to day lives.</blockquote> The game is currently in open beta, with a soft launch expected in the summer of 2024.] [[Only time will tell if Balamer can make a comeback.|update]]

<body2>An update has been detected. Would you like to download the update now? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|Loading Bar]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|updateno]]]</div></body2>

<body2>(set: $booting to 3)(live: 1s)[(set: $booting to it - 1)(if: $booting is 3)[Booting.](if: $booting is 2)[Booting..](if: $booting is 1)[Booting...](if: $booting is 0)[(stop:)[ [[Your save has now loaded.]] ]]]</body2>

<body2>Welcome to the Universe is in active development. You have reached the end of the current update. Would you like to check for updates now? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|update]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|updateno2]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Exiting software. Thank you for playing! (link-repeat: "Click here to see the latest credits.")[(open-url: 'https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/JokeEnding')]</body2>

<body2>(set: $surveys to 'unwilling')It would only take a little bit of time. [[Okay, I’ll do it.|willing]] [[I’m not interested.|unwilling2]]</body2>

<body2>If you were willing to take a survey, what would you look for in a survey? [[Good questions.|reconsider]] [[Inner peace.|reconsider]]</body2>

<body2>Would you ever reconsider not taking the survey? [[Yes.|reconsider2]] [[No.|future]]</body2>

<body2>Would you like to take the survey now? [[Yes.|willing]] [[No.|future]]</body2>

<body2>Do you plan on taking any surveys in the future? [[Yes.|future2]] [[No.|hypothetically]]</body2>

<body2>It is the future. Would you like to take the survey? [[Yes.|willing]] [[No.|hypothetically]]</body2>

<body2>If you were hypothetically responding to a survey about this game, would you say that the game has described your life accurately so far? (link: "Yes.")[(set: $accuracy to 'accurate')(goto: "enjoyable")] (link: "No.")[(set: $accuracy to 'inaccurate')(goto: "enjoyable")]</body2>

<body2>If you were taking the survey (which you are not), would you say that the game has been enjoyable up to this point? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|godq]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|godq]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Do you believe in God? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $god to 'belief')(goto: "godq2")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $god to 'disbelief')(goto: "godq3")]]</div></body2>

<body2>If God told you to take the survey, would you take the survey? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|godq4]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|sure]]]</div></body2>

<body2>If you found out there was a God and He told you to take the survey, would take the survey? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|godq4]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|sure]]]</div></body2>

<body2>So you want to take the survey? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|godq5]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|committedq]]]</div></body2>

<body2>(set: $surveys to 'willing')(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)Great! [[Let's get started then!|obtrusive]]</body2>

<body2>Are you sure you don’t want to take the survey? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|committedq]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|godq4]]]</div></body2>

<body2>You seem committed to not taking the survey. Are you a committed individual? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $commitment to 'committed')(goto: "jobq")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $commitment to 'flaky')(goto: "committedq2")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Do you want to flake out on this non-survey and take the real survey like a cool person would? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|sure2]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|jobq]]]</div></body2>

<body2>(set: $surveys to 'willing')(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)Great! [[Let's get started then.|job]]<body2>

<body2>Do you have a job? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $job to 'employed')(goto: "houseq")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $job to 'unemployed')(goto: "houseq")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Do you own a house? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $house to 'owner')(goto: "age")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $house to 'borrower')(goto: "age")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Are you in the 18-25 year old demographic? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|listsq]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|age2]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Have you ever been in the 18-25 year old demographic? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|age3]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|listsq]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Do you wish you were still in the 18-25 year old demographic? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Desperately|listsq]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|listsq]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Do you like lists? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[(link: "Yes")[(set: $lists to 'like')(goto: "health")]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[(link: "No")[(set: $lists to 'dislike')(goto: "health")]]</div></body2>

<body2>Do you take your health seriously? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|vanq]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|vanq]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Would you ever approach someone standing suspiciously beside a van? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|care]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|care]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Do you even care what I’m asking you at this point? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|comprehensive]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|anyways]]]</div></body2>

<body2>Is this the most comprehensive non-survey you’ve ever taken? -------------------- <div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute">|box>[ [[Yes|anyways]]]</div><div id="wrapper"> <div style="position: absolute; right: 0px">|box>[ [[No|anyways]]]</div></body2>

<body2>See. That wasn’t so bad. You should’ve just taken the survey like we asked in the first place. [[Anyways.|back to the game:]]

<body2>(link: "Yes")[(set: $Qnumber to $Qnumber + 1)(goto: "test")] (link: "Yes")[(set: )(goto: "test")]</body2>

<body2>True pain is indescribable. People do their best to console in times of hardship, but there isn’t a magic switch that makes everything okay. There are no fancy words or cute phrases to use, no art that can put a bow on your emotions. The emptiness of loss is a hole that can only be filled by time. When you're there in the darkness, [[all you can feel is hurt.|magic]]</body2>

(mouseover: ?hbest)[\ (replace: ?statement2)[I am from the greatest place in the world.]\ (replace: ?workareaHo1)[(display: "Home1")] ]

(mouseover: ?jgood)[\ (replace: ?statement3)[I like good jokes.]\ (replace: ?workareaJo1)[(display: "Jokes1")] ]

(mouseover: ?easy)[\ (replace: ?statement4)[I'm easy-going.(css: "color: transparent")[enance]]\ (replace: ?workareaDe1)[(display: "Demeanor1")] ]

(mouseover: ?excited)[\ (replace: ?statement5)[I get excited easily.]\ (replace: ?workareaIn1)[(display: "Interest1")] ]

(mouseover: ?tall)[\ (replace: ?statement6)[My friends think I’m tall.(css: "color: transparent")[o]]\ (replace: ?workareaHe1)[(display: "Height1")] ]

(mouseover: ?want)[\ (replace: ?statement7)[I want to have kids. (css: "color: transparent")[okids]]\ (replace: ?workareaKi1)[(display: "Kids1")] ]

(mouseover: ?cool)[\ (replace: ?statement8)[I'm pretty cool.]\ (replace: ?workareaCo1)[(display: "Coolness1")] ]

(mouseover: ?genius)[\ (replace: ?statement9)[I am a genius.]\ (replace: ?workareaIn1)[(display: "Intel1")] ]

(mouseover: ?answered)[\ (replace: ?statement10)[I don’t like it when all the questions have answers.(css: "color: transparent")[ o .o]]\ (replace: ?workareaQu1)[(display: "Question1")] ]

(mouseover: ?master)[\ (replace: ?statement11)[I am the goop master.(css: "color: transparent")[o]]\ (replace: ?workareaGo1)[(display: "Goop1")] ]

(mouseover: ?lbelief)[\ (replace: ?statement12)[I believe in love at first sight. <3(css: "color: transparent")[ ii]]\ (replace: ?workareaLo1)[(display: "Love1")] ]

(mouseover: ?proud)[\ (replace: ?statement13)[I'm proud of a lot of things.(css: "color: transparent")[oooo]]\ (replace: ?workareaPr1)[(display: "Pride1")] ]

(mouseover: ?bath)[\ (replace: ?statement14)[I need a bath.]\ (replace: ?workareaCl1)[(display: "Clean1")] ]

(mouseover: ?impulsive)[\ (replace: ?statement16)[I'm impulsive.]\ (replace: ?workareaFo1)[(display: "Forethought1")] ]

(mouseover: ?content)[\ (replace: ?statement17)[I am content.]\ (replace: ?workareaPo1)[(display: "Possess1")] ]

(mouseover: ?happy)[\ (replace: ?statement18)[I'm happy.]\ (replace: ?workareaHa1)[(display: "Happiness1")] ]

(mouseover: ?satisfied)[\ (replace: ?statement19)[I would be satisfied(css: "color: transparent")[o]with(css: "color: transparent")[o]a boat-load of(css: "color: transparent")[o]money.(css: "color: transparent")[ ooo]]\ (replace: ?workareaMo1)[(display: "Money1")] ]

(mouseover: ?best)[\ (replace: ?statement20)[I generally look for the best in people.(css: "color: transparent")[w]]\ (replace: ?workareaPe1)[(display: "People1")] ]

(mouseover: ?hopeful)[\ (replace: ?statement21)[I'm hopeful.]\ (replace: ?workareaEn1)[(display: "End1")] ]

(mouseover: ?belief)[\ (replace: ?statement22)[I believe in magic.(css: "color: transparent")[magicc]]\ (replace: ?workareaMa1)[(display: "Magic1")] ]

(mouseover: ?alike)[\ (replace: ?statement23)[I would say I enjoy(css: "color: transparent")[d]being alone.(css: "color: transparent")[ d]]\ (replace: ?workareaAl1)[(display: "Alone1")] ]

(mouseout: ?hbest)[\ (replace: ?statement2)[I am from...(css: "color: transparent")[the greadt test p a c e i wo r]]\ (replace: ?workareaHo2)[(display: "Home2")] ]

(mouseout: ?jgood)[\ (replace: ?statement3)[I like...]\ (replace: ?workareaJo2)[(display: "Jokes2")] ]

(mouseout: ?easy)[\ (replace: ?statement4)[I'm...(css: "color: transparent")[high-maintenanc]]\ (replace: ?workareaDe2)[(display: "Demeanor2")] ]

(mouseout: ?excited)[\ (replace: ?statement5)[I get...(css: "color: transparent")[ tedeasily. y]]\ (replace: ?workareaIn2)[(display: "Interest2")] ]

(mouseout: ?tall)[\ (replace: ?statement6)[My friends think I’m...(css: "color: transparent")[...o]]\ (replace: ?workareaHe2)[(display: "Height2")] ]

(mouseout: ?want)[\ (replace: ?statement7)[I...(css: "color: transparent")[don't want to have kid]]\ (replace: ?workareaKi2)[(display: "Kids2")] ]

(mouseout: ?cool)[\ (replace: ?statement8)[I'm pretty...]\ (replace: ?workareaCo2)[(display: "Coolness2")] ]

(mouseout: ?genius)[\ (replace: ?statement9)[I am...]\ (replace: ?workareaIn2)[(display: "Intel2")] ]

(mouseout: ?answered)[\ (replace: ?statement10)[I don’t like it when all the questions...(css: "color: transparent")[ have answers .o]]\ (replace: ?workareaQu2)[(display: "Question2")] ]

(mouseout: ?master)[\ (replace: ?statement11)[I am...(css: "color: transparent")[the goop servan]]\ (replace: ?workareaGo2)[(display: "Goop2")] ]

(mouseout: ?lbelief)[\ (replace: ?statement12)[I...(css: "color: transparent")[don’t believe in love at first siii]]\ (replace: ?workareaLo2)[(display: "Love2")] ]

(mouseout: ?proud)[\ (replace: ?statement13)[I'm...(css: "color: transparent")[not proud of a lot of thing]]\ (replace: ?workareaPr2)[(display: "Pride2")] ]

(mouseout: ?bath)[\ (replace: ?statement14)[I need...]\ (replace: ?workareaCl2)[(display: "Clean2")] ]

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Using history as a teaching tool is an important aspect of Balamer's research techniques, and Balamer often refers to personal anecdotes to elaborate on his findings. For instance, in chapter seven of //The Necessities of Function//, "The Homestead Frontier," Balamer revisits his childhood and talks about his experiences as a lifeguard during high school. The job as a lifeguard, as described by Balamar, is a predictable occupation (1999). The lifeguard is in place as both a preventive measure and a failsafe. Lifeguards are not clueless about the events that may transpire or the actions required of them; as such, behavior is identified before there is a problem, and only when negligence cannot be preemptively averted is a lifeguard forced to take direct action. Balamer uses biography to form analysis on predictable human behavior and the universal nature of fear. Jobs like lifeguarding, Balamer asserts (1999), are built on the fundamental understanding that humans will engage in predictable behavioral patterns, an important tenant to Balamer's research. Using lived experiences as empirical data (alongside a multitude of diverse perspectives), Balamer shaped early postmodern research by merging New Journalism techniques with [[traditional quantitative methodology|clown]] (Jones, 2014).

<body2>Taking off your shirt and throwing it into the laundry pile, you determine a general self-assessment is in order. You sniff your armpits, afraid that [[The Slob is taking over.]]</body2>

<body2>Time breaks in front of you. Your hand reaches out, but there is nothing to hold. You fall. You fall. It feels like you're [[falling forever.]] It feels like you're [[falling forever.]] It feels like you're [[falling forever.]] It feels like you're [[falling forever.]] It feels like you're [[falling forever.]]</body2>

<body2>You see a light in the distance. It is bright. Overwhelming. Running towards the light, you see an image of a man. Pixels flicker in the darkness, life darting from cell to cell. The past, the future, and the present have all coalesced into one. Maybe you've [[stopped falling.]]</body2>

<body2>"Sick wheels," a kid in your class says. "Bet you can't do a trick with them." "Trick! Trick! Trick!" the rest of the kids chant. You push up on your [[imaginary sunglasses.|coolness]]</body2>

<body2>You've always felt different than your peers. There's an electricity in the universe. Worlds, shapes, molecules. Others can't see the truth. You don't blame them--they can't see what they can't see--but you feel distant. Lonely. No matter. The prophecy is true; you've dug out the hole. Life is going to be different now. You are [[ready.]]</body2>

<body2>You cradle the two-liter bottle in your arms, hands lightly powdered from an unwrapped [[tube of Menthos.]]</body2>

<body2>It was a hot summer day, the kind where kids melt on the sidewalk and palm trees catch ardency. Summer break had just shaven its legs. You were young and ready to seize the day as long as it came with a can koozie. The pavement in front of your house cracked from the heatwaves. You were too tired to want anything, but too bored to do nothing. Heat emanated like a broiler skillet spider. The sun had bled out and gone numb, ice cream liquifying [[straight off the cone.]]</body2>

<body2>Now, sitting in your chair after the credits, you think about the movie you just watched. For reasons unknown to you, you’re always alone at this theater. You look around for an usher, hoping to remain seated for an additional moment before entering the Venusian landscape outside. The lights are still dim. No one knows you exist. You lean back into your seat and close your eyes, the film rewinding before you. [[What did you think about the movie?]]</body2>

<body2>For some people, movie theaters are like foster parents. Life is abusive and neglectful. Here, at the picture show, you are finally accepted with open arms. A mix between cosmic fate and chosen family, there's a place that exists where you always belong. No matter how long you’ve been away, like a prodigal son, the doors [[are open.]]</body2>

<body2>You stare into his eyes with a curious complexion. Who is this man? What is the role of a prophet? Water shoots from a flower pinned above his breast, the stream hitting you [[squarely in the face.]]</body2>

<body2>You walk into the kitchen, hoping to find and beleaguer the nearest paternal figure. Unsurprisingly, you find them [[cooking dinner.]]</body2>

<body2>“Can you help me with my homework? I don’t know what to write.” They look up from stirring. “What are you writing about?” they ask. “I don’t know. It’s complicated.” They sigh. “If you can’t figure it out soon, I’ll help after dinner. I’m busy right now.” You slink off to the kitchen table, dejected, wondering how [[you’ll ever finish your paper.]]</body2>

<body2>[[Do things|Do things work out in the end?]] work out [[in the end?|Do things work out in the end?]]</body2>

<body2>He waves in your direction and begins to pour the fresh dollar bands onto a boat parked in the front yard. You reach inside the mailbox. Bills. Bills. Burger King coupons. You close the mailbox and look back at the driveway. You can no longer see the boat in the [[pile of money.|money]] </body2>

<body2>“I don’t really care.” “The moment someone discovers time travel, you gotta be ready to go.” “That would be an abuse of time travel.” “We settled that earlier. Think of the implications! I could be a different person. I *would* be a different person.” “Hopefully a smarter one.” “Look." Their demeanor changes. "You're not taking this seriously. This is a human’s rights issue.” [[Sighs. There it is.]]</body2>

<body2>Oh, goodness! I almost forgot the first question. [[Who, exactly, are you?]]</body2>

<body2>Ill-advised start-ups will make you [[regret that thought later.|ill-advised start-ups]]</body2>

<body2>“My cousin says his town has two McDonald’s.” The world freezes in time. [["How could a local economy support such expansive business?" you wonder.]]</body2>

<body2>Over my long, tenured career, I’ve conducted research, written books, and given talks at prestigious universities. But I never felt like I belonged. I've felt like a fake, like I was posturing as an academic and a professor. I’ve spent a lot of time wrestling with my worldview—my dreams, my doubts, my values. I thought if I kept going, life would fix itself. I was wrong. Life only fixes itself when we [[make an effort to fix it.|give a shit to fix it.]]</body2>

<body2>I sensed something was wrong while working on this. Maybe you felt it. Nobody wants to throw away years of their life. You don't want to rebuild a library. But there comes a time where you can't make it all work. Something breaks. You break. I see now that I *was* a fake. I am a failure. [[I have failed.]]</body2>

<body2>I'm disowning my research. All of it. The critics, you, everyone--they were right. I never said anything truthful. I was a lucky idiot who wandered into the right place [[at the right time.]]</body2>

<body2>I’m going to rework the game. I created this game because I wanted humans to empathize with each other, to help us as a species see that we share so much in common in spite of our differences. But I was so busy speaking I forgot to listen. And listening is [[the important part.]]</body2>

<body2>If you’ve reached the end of the game, please try the revised ending in this latest update. It should still work with your save data, barring we don’t muck anything up too bad. Maybe you learned something about me in all of this. Maybe you learned something about yourself. I just hope you learned [[something.|name]]</body2>

<body2>You get up from your seat and walk to a worn desk drawer. Pulling open the drawer, you find an unmarked, white envelope tucked away in a back corner. You peel open the envelope to reveal a single letter written by yourself. It's clearly your handwriting, but you don't remember writing it. [[It reads as follows:|me1]]</body2>

<body2>Before you go, there's something I never asked you. I didn't think it was important at the time; I thought it was to alienating, too distinct. [[But it feels important now.]]</body2>

<body2>[[Oh no.|confidant in your next move.]]</body2>

<body2>Growing old is being cursed with knowledge. Life now isn’t any more difficult than it was back then, but you’ve aware of the difficulty now; you hold knowledge that you, as a person, are expected to be someone, even if that expectation only comes from within. There's no way to reverse knowledge. You can’t go back to the person you were, because that person only existed [[for a moment.]]</body2>

<body2>Things are definitely different now. Choices used to feel so weightless, even the difficult ones. Now, everything feels like it has purpose and meaning. Speed limits are more than suggestions. Checkout counters are weighed down with cancer warnings and [[nutritional facts.]]</body2>

<body2>For this reason, it’s healthy to reassess your life at pivotal points in time; your successes, your failures—all of it has lead you to where you are today. You are a new person this minute. And you will be a new person in the next. So, where are you [[right now?|pride]]</body2>

<body2>You've always known there would be a day you wouldn't see, a sun that would never rise past the horizon of your gaze. You think back to your unending crib days, your voice crying out [[in fear of the unknown.|alone]] </body2>

<body2>You look at the menu board, quickly realizing that you need to eventually order. You inspect a tiny picture of a panini. You should say something after you order food. Your mind wanders in line. Friendship, romance, indifference-- [[All are unique possibilities.|adult]] </body2>

<body2>You walk into the cafe, propelled by a force [[you cannot explain.]]</body2>

<body2>Sitting at a small table, drink in hand, you repeatedly circle your name on the cup. You’ve been repeating their name over and over in your head ever since the barista called it out. It's official. They're a boulder in a Peruvian temple, and you are a treasure hunter. You put the cup down and observe them playing a game on their phone. There is something deeper here, something greater than you could have ever imagined when you [[walked through these doors:]]</body2>

<body2>The spell has been cast. [[You are in love.|adult]]</body2>

<body2>As you watch the tower rise to the heavens, the folly of prophecy begins to dawn on you. If this moment was foretold, you realize, the power was never in your hands. You were a cog in the machine, a predestined fleck of skin destined to fade in the sun-bleached history of your forefathers. The tower crumbles before you, and a tear runs down your cheek in confused beauty. Man plans; [[God laughs.|connatural]] </body2>

<body2>You throw your imaginary sunglasses into the crowd, and they are caught by the hottest girl in school. Everyone claps at how successful and brilliant you are. [[Cool.|prophecy]]</body2>

<body2>You take a break from the shelving and notice a small child staring at the ground, alone. As you look for a parental figure, the kid heaves onto the tile floor. A river of egesta spews from their mouth, bile receding onto the shelving like the banks of the Euphrates. The orange sewage seeps into the cracks, multiplying as [[it floats your way.|kids]] </body2>

<body2>Your cheek is red from being slumped over the side of the couch. While the episode does seem entertaining, you don’t know if you should stick around to watch TV or switch to doing something else. [[You glance at the TV remote.]]</body2>

(set: $questions to 'answered')[[critic]]

<body2>Congratulations! You have seen through the matrix and are a True Gamer! Five hundred V-Bucks will be added to your Fortnite account immediately. (Please wait 3-7 business days for processing.) (live: 15s)[(Okay, seriously, press undo. I don't want to write any more punchlines. I just made this because playtesters kept thinking this was the real ending. It's not lol.)] (live: 36s)[(Also, you're not getting any V-Bucks. Sorry.)] </body2>